[{"id":68850,"date":"2026-09-10T22:43:54","date_gmt":"2026-09-11T02:43:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/?p=68850"},"modified":"2026-09-10T23:50:17","modified_gmt":"2026-09-11T03:50:17","slug":"review-mighty-real-a-history-of-lgbtq-music-1969-2000-by-barry-walters","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/2026\/09\/review-mighty-real-a-history-of-lgbtq-music-1969-2000-by-barry-walters\/","title":{"rendered":"REVIEW: Mighty Real: A History of LGBTQ Music, 1969\u20132000 by Barry Walters"},"content":{"rendered":"<p class=\"headline\">Reviewed by Brian Watson<\/p><p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-68849\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/c944ddf6-9610-4ed9-aeaf-3cc08d1d608a.png\" alt=\"cover of Mighty Real: A History of LGBTQ Music, 1969\u20132000 by Barry Walters; illustration of an album made of a rainbow colors\" width=\"394\" height=\"600\" \/>There\u2019s an evolutionary advantage to categorization and compartmentalization. Sabre-tooth tiger? Bad. Ripe fruit? Good. At this point in my life, however, I\u2019ve concluded that binaries, like good and bad, boy and girl, gay and straight, are actually spectra, or, abandoning linearity altogether, conceptual galaxies. Even so, I take delight when authors work to expand on the rainbow of queerness, and Barry Walter\u2019s <i><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/4094\/9798217059829\">Mighty Real: A History of LGBTQ Music, 1969-2000<\/a><\/i> (Viking; May 2026) is one such expansive work.<\/p>\n<p>The preface sets my expectations beautifully, with sentiments that both make me laugh with wisdom\u2014\u201cStraight white people tend to think everything is about them\u201d\u2014and align with my understanding of the word: \u201cThe closet and disclosure aren\u2019t completely binary.\u201d And after a nostalgic revisit to <i>The Partridge Family<\/i> (I remember watching <i>The Brady Bunch<\/i> and <i>The Partridge Family<\/i> back to back as a kid, delighted by technicolor families so unlike my own, and I suspected, had my father allowed it, that my televisual world would have truly birthed new ideas if I could have watched <i>Love, American Style<\/i> after <i>The Partridge Family<\/i>), Barry Walters sets premise for the sixty chapters of his book. \u201cStraight critics have been telling us how to hear our music for ages, so I\u2019m simply offering a queer alternative.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Each of those chapters focuses on an artist or group of artists, allowing the reader to jump around among favorites, as I did, but also to consider the more surprising inclusions, such as Judas Priest, Nirvana, and Hole. The chapters are arranged chronologically, beginning with The Velvet Underground and Lou Reed and ending with RuPaul, which includes a grateful revisit to one of my favorite vocalists, Sylvester.<\/p>\n<p>I started my exploration in the fourth chapter, the one dedicated to Motown, a choice that surprised me at first because of how firmly I had associated beautiful Motown ballads with heterosexuality. But Walters is here to disabuse me of those assumptions, and gratefully so.<\/p>\n<p>The chapter begins with an homage to Smokey Robinson that, in the first paragraph, mentions trans performer Jackie Shane and her two-year run on the Canadian charts with her cover of \u201cAny Other Way\u201d. But Walters pans back to Robinson\u2019s Shop Around. Walters describes Motown\u2019s appeal thusly:<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><i>\u201c[It] was particularly popular among LGBTQ people before, during, and after Stonewall. Common ground between show-tune gays and rock \u2019n\u2019 roll queers. Motown crossed Broadway\u2019s perky melodiousness with R&amp;B\u2019s ingenuities of harmony and meter. The Miracles and what followed showed us how to thrive in the straight world while being true to ourselves.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n<p>A few pages later, and I have my cell phone in hand, my music app open, and I am searching for titles that Walter includes when he arrives at his tribute to The Dynamic Superiors: \u201cTony Washington, the leader of this Washington D.C. quintet, was unquestionably gay.\u201d To then read the thoughts of one of the group\u2019s producers, Valerie Simpson, brought home how much the 1970s had wrought queer changes. Speaking about a moment in 1975, when I was nine and already, thanks to my father, a music lover, she said,<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><i>\u201cThe first time I saw the group walking down the street, I didn\u2019t know what we had gotten ourselves into, because they all had on loud fur coats in pastel colors. I was like, \u2018I don\u2019t know what this is.\u2019 But whatever it is, I want to see it expressed. I think that\u2019s what brings out the best performances. When people can find themselves, they\u2019re singing their truths.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n<p>Walters uses his historical review of The Dynamic Superiors (and the unfortunate passing of Tony Washington in 1989 from AIDS), including the background to \u201cNobody\u2019s Gonna Change Me,\u201d a power tribute to Tony\u2019s authenticity, to bring us to what Walters describes as \u201cthe boldest LGBTQ anthem of the 1970s,\u201d \u201cI Was Born This Way,\u201d which later inspired Lady Gaga\u2019s \u201cBorn This Way.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Happy to learn that the 1975 recording of \u201cI Was Born This Way,\u201d as performed by Charles Valentino, is available on YouTube (because I really wanted to hear Stevie Wonder playing those skippy triplets on the drums in the backing tracks). After Motown acquired the song from its original producer, Bunny Jones at Galilee Records, saying, \u201c\u2018We didn\u2019t purchase this record because it was socially controversial, but because it sold enormously in New York and is, we think, a hit record,\u2019\u201d they engaged Carl Bean to record it in 1977. I have heard the Bean version before, and learning this history inspired me to play both Valentino\u2019s and Bean\u2019s recording. A glorious start to any day.<\/p>\n<p>Each of the chapters is a jewel box of history and joy unto its own. Readers can engage with Walters as music fans, and can come away fascinated with his perspective on such a wide array of artists. Beyond that, however, is Walters\u2019 sweeping scope of queer history, viewed through his musical lens. As someone alive for nearly all of <i>Mighty Real<\/i>\u2019s scope, I cherished the opportunity to not only reexamine my memories of the songs that I knew spoke directly to my experience as a baby gay boy (I felt my first adoration of television men like Bill Bixby when I was five and watching reruns of The Courtship of Eddie\u2019s Father). Songs I either purchased as 45s or, after college, on CDs, like Bowie\u2019s \u201cSpace Oddity,\u201d Elton John\u2019s \u201cDaniel\u201d (the name, incidentally, I chose for the protagonist of my first memoir\u2019s fictionalized (and wisely unpublished) 1996 predecessor, In So Many Words), Donna Summer\u2019s \u201cI Feel Love,\u201d Alicia Bridges\u2019 \u201cI Love The Nightlife,\u201d and Prince\u2019s \u201cControversy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><i>Mighty Real<\/i> is mighty glorious, a hug that combines nostalgia and empowerment one song at a time. I hope you have the chance to pick it up and sing through your memories (and make new ones) as I did.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><span style=\"color: #188038;\"><div id=\"awsm-team-65627\" class=\"awsm-grid-wrapper\">\n\t\t\n\t\t\t<div class=\"awsm-grid list-style style-1 grid-2-col \">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div id=\"awsm-member-65627-65625\" class=\"awsm-grid-card awsm-team-item awsm-scale-anm awsm-all awsm-1358\">\n\t\t\t\t   <figure>\n\t\t\t\t\t <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"500\" height=\"500\" src=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/07\/image1-3-500x500.jpg\" class=\"attachment-awsm_team size-awsm_team wp-post-image\" alt=\"brian watson reviewer\" \/>\t\t\t\t\t\t <figcaption>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"awsm-personal-info\"><h3>Brian Watson<\/h3><span>Reviewer<\/span><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"awsm-contact-info\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>Brian Watson\u2019s essays on queerness and Japan have been published in <i>The Audacity\u2019s Emerging Writer<\/i> series and <i>TriQuarterly,<\/i> among other places. An<em> excerpt from Crying in a Foreign Language<\/em>, their memoir\u2019s manuscript, appeared in <i>Stone Canoe<\/i> in the September 2025 issue. They were named a finalist in the 2025 Pacific Northwest Writer\u2019s Association\u2019s Unpublished Book contest, and in the 2024 <i>Iron Horse Literary Review <\/i>long-form essay contest. They also won an honorable mention in the 2024 <i>Writer\u2019s Digest <\/i>Annual Writing Competition. They share Out of Japan, their Substack newsletter, with more than 600 subscribers<i>.<\/i> In 2011, their published translation of a Japanese short story, &#8220;Midnight Encounters,&#8221; by Tei\u2019ichi Hirai, was nominated for a Science Fiction and Translation Fantasy Award.<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t <\/figcaption>\n\t\t\t\t   <\/figure>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<input type=\"hidden\" name=\"shortcode\" id=\"atb-shortcode\" value=65627 >\n<\/div>\n<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I take delight when authors work to expand on the rainbow of queerness, and Barry Walter\u2019s Mighty Real is one such expansive work.<\/p>\n<p class=\"more-link-p\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/awsm_team_member\/brian-watson\/\">Read full story \u2192<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":68849,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_price":"","_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_header":"","_tribe_default_ticket_provider":"","_tribe_ticket_capacity":"","_ticket_start_date":"","_ticket_end_date":"","_tribe_ticket_show_description":"","_tribe_ticket_show_not_going":false,"_tribe_ticket_use_global_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_global_stock_level":"","_global_stock_mode":"","_global_stock_cap":"","_tribe_rsvp_for_event":"","_tribe_ticket_going_count":"","_tribe_ticket_not_going_count":"","_tribe_tickets_list":"[]","_tribe_ticket_has_attendee_info_fields":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"gopublish_seo_title":"","gopublish_seo_description":""},"categories":[91,14,8,2087],"tags":[1542],"class_list":["post-68850","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","category-issues","category-memoir-reviews","category-september-october-2026","tag-brian-watson"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t<!-- All in One SEO 5.0.1.1 - aioseo.com -->\n\t<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Brian Watson\u2019s essays on queerness and Japan have been published in The Audacity\u2019s Emerging Writer series and TriQuarterly, among other places. 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They were named a finalist in the 2025 Pacific Northwest Writer\u2019s Association\u2019s Unpublished Book","og:url":"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/awsm_team_member\/brian-watson\/","fb:admins":"106383576105812","og:image":"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/07\/image1-3.jpg","og:image:secure_url":"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/07\/image1-3.jpg","og:image:width":506,"og:image:height":660,"article:published_time":"2025-09-14T22:23:56+00:00","article:modified_time":"2025-09-20T19:00:01+00:00","article:publisher":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/hippocampusmagazine","twitter:card":"summary","twitter:site":"@hippocampusmag","twitter:title":"Brian Watson - Hippocampus Magazine","twitter:description":"Brian Watson\u2019s essays on queerness and Japan have been published in The Audacity\u2019s Emerging Writer series and TriQuarterly, among other places. An excerpt from Crying in a Foreign Language, their memoir\u2019s manuscript, appeared in Stone Canoe in the September 2025 issue. They were named a finalist in the 2025 Pacific Northwest Writer\u2019s Association\u2019s Unpublished Book","twitter:image":"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/07\/image1-3.jpg"},"aioseo_meta_data":{"post_id":"68850","title":"REVIEW: Mighty Real by Barry Walters | #site_title","description":"\"I take delight when authors work to expand on the rainbow of queerness, and Barry Walter\u2019s Mighty Real is one such expansive work.\" -- reviewer Brian 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01:27:16","updated":"2026-09-11 03:51:47","seo_analyzer_scan_date":null,"focus_keyword":null,"additional_keywords":null,"truseo_locale":null},"aioseo_breadcrumb":"<div class=\"aioseo-breadcrumbs\"><span class=\"aioseo-breadcrumb\">\n\t\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\" title=\"Home\">Home<\/a>\n\t\t<\/span><span class=\"aioseo-breadcrumb-separator\">&raquo;<\/span><span class=\"aioseo-breadcrumb\">\n\t\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/category\/articles\/\" title=\"Articles\">Articles<\/a>\n\t\t<\/span><span class=\"aioseo-breadcrumb-separator\">&raquo;<\/span><span class=\"aioseo-breadcrumb\">\n\t\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/category\/articles\/memoir-reviews\/\" title=\"Reviews\">Reviews<\/a>\n\t\t<\/span><span class=\"aioseo-breadcrumb-separator\">&raquo;<\/span><span class=\"aioseo-breadcrumb\">\n\t\t\tREVIEW: Mighty Real: A History of LGBTQ Music, 1969\u20132000 by Barry 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Girl in a Box: Seeking Enlightenment as a Tibetan Buddhist Nun by Paldrom Catharine Collins"},"content":{"rendered":"<p class=\"headline\">Reviewed by Emily Webber<\/p><p><i><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-68845\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/the-cover-of-a-book-titled-girl-in-a-box.png\" alt=\"cover of Girl in a Box: Seeking Enlightenment as a Tibetan Buddhist Nun by Paldrom Catharine Collins\" width=\"394\" height=\"600\" \/><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/4094\/9781966608257\">Girl in a Box: Seeking Enlightenment as a Tibetan Buddhist<\/a><\/i><b><i> <\/i><\/b><i><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/4094\/9781966608257\">Nun<\/a><\/i> (Monkfish Books; May 2026) by Paldrom Catharine Collins is a candid spiritual memoir chronicling Collins\u2019s attempt to escape a sense of emptiness through ascetic devotion. Raised in a Southern Baptist household in Oklahoma and married at eighteen, Collins felt an inner ache and spiritual restlessness that mainstream religion could not satisfy. After encountering the work of Ram Dass, Carlos Castaneda, and Paramahansa, she leaves her marriage and teaching career to seek enlightenment through Tibetan Vajrayana Buddhist practices.<\/p>\n<p>I was interested in this memoir because of my research on Catholic women\u2019s religious orders. I had little knowledge of Buddhist spiritual beliefs, the vows Buddhist nuns take, or their daily routines. Collins introduces Tibetan Buddhism in a straightforward way, explaining key concepts clearly and demonstrating how they intersect with common human doubts, minor frustrations, and spiritual goals.<\/p>\n<p>Entering a Tibetan Buddhist monastery and retreat center in New York\u2019s Hudson Valley. Collins spends five years at the monastery. She works through a series of mental and physical spiritual tasks to help her attain enlightenment. I always thought of Buddhism as a mental practice of rigorous meditation and complete focus. But Collins also details the physical demands, such as the grueling process of 100,000 full-body prostrations and restrictions on eating.<\/p>\n<p>Slowly, she fully surrenders her identity, including shaving her head and changing her name. She takes the vows of a nun, including celibacy, no solid food after midday, and austere living conditions such as no luxurious bed, no entertainment, and no jewelry. During the day, Collins cleans houses to raise funds for a three-year retreat. She believes the solitary, cloistered time will finally help her attain enlightenment. That it will allow her more of the few glimpses of another reality, of \u201csomething beyond the veil.\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><i>\u201cJust for an instant or two, with the ting-ting of Lama\u2019s tingshas, reality cracked. This was not an intellectual understanding. Not a believing, but a knowing, penetrating reason. I was in a dream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily. My very me-ness was as the Mahamudra text had described\u2014a mirage, a story, a dream. I don\u2019t know if the gift of this moment was a further unfolding of the awareness invoked by Khenpo Tsultrim\u2019s teaching in the shrine room. Or if all those fifteen-minute stretches of bringing my focus to my breath again and again had created a new neural pathway. Or maybe it was grace. Or maybe some combination of all of those. Or none of them.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n<p>Instead, once she is on the retreat, she cannot shake her uncertainty. She begins to question some of the strict rules. Then more than question, she begins to modify some of her practices without telling anyone.<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><i>\u201cI so wanted to be a successful nun, even though I continued to avoid wearing the yards and yards of my <\/i>shamthap <i>whenever possible. But now, faced with this dilemma, I concluded my best option was to simply skip this fourth segment of Ng\u00f6ndro. This was more than a minor rebellion. I knew if I consulted with Lama about my decision, he\u2019d never condone it, and then my samaya would require me to comply. So, I decided to never ask.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n<p>As she continues to explore her own doubts and hesitations, Collins also begins to see how the revered teachers subtly pick and choose which rules to follow and when. Even worse, how institutions, even with the best intentions, are flawed. Collins pulls back the curtain on the authoritarian abuses of power and the sexual exploitation of male and female practitioners by revered teachers.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019d argue with anyone who says a true spiritual or faith journey is straightforward, not an ever-evolving path filled with reset expectations, doubt, loneliness, and grief alongside true grace and clarity. Collins shows this complex journey with total honesty in <i>Girl in a Box<\/i>. Eventually, realizing that, for her, true awakening cannot come from shutting herself off from the world. Rather than succumbing to cynicism, Collins draws on her Buddhist training, her Christian upbringing, and other lessons learned along the way to find peace in her ordinary life in the world.<\/p>\n<div class=\"su-box su-box-style-default\" id=\"\" style=\"border-color:#127680;border-radius:3px;max-width:none\"><div class=\"su-box-title\" style=\"background-color:#45a9b3;color:#FFFFFF;border-top-left-radius:1px;border-top-right-radius:1px\">Meet the Contributor<\/div><div class=\"su-box-content su-u-clearfix su-u-trim\" style=\"border-bottom-left-radius:1px;border-bottom-right-radius:1px\">\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-64290\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/image1-4-235x300.png\" alt=\"emily webber\" width=\"235\" height=\"300\" \/>Emily Webber is a writer of criticism, fiction, and creative nonfiction. Her work has appeared in <i>Rain Taxi<\/i>, the <i>Ploughshares Blog<\/i>, <i>The Rumpus<\/i>, <i>Writer <\/i>magazine, <i>America Magazine<\/i>, and elsewhere. She\u2019s the author of a chapbook of flash fiction, Macerated.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Girl in a Box: Seeking Enlightenment as a Tibetan Buddhist Nun by Paldrom Catharine Collins is a candid spiritual memoir.<\/p>\n<p class=\"more-link-p\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/2026\/09\/review-girl-in-a-box-seeking-enlightenment-as-a-tibetan-buddhist-nun-by-paldrom-catharine-collins\/\">Read full story \u2192<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":68845,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_price":"","_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_header":"","_tribe_default_ticket_provider":"","_tribe_ticket_capacity":"","_ticket_start_date":"","_ticket_end_date":"","_tribe_ticket_show_description":"","_tribe_ticket_show_not_going":false,"_tribe_ticket_use_global_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_global_stock_level":"","_global_stock_mode":"","_global_stock_cap":"","_tribe_rsvp_for_event":"","_tribe_ticket_going_count":"","_tribe_ticket_not_going_count":"","_tribe_tickets_list":"[]","_tribe_ticket_has_attendee_info_fields":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"gopublish_seo_title":"","gopublish_seo_description":""},"categories":[91,14,8,2087],"tags":[1313],"class_list":["post-68846","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","category-issues","category-memoir-reviews","category-september-october-2026","tag-emily-webber"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t<!-- 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Our Knives Will Save Us: Dispatches from a White Mountain Apache Chef by Nephi Craig"},"content":{"rendered":"<p class=\"headline\">Reviewed by Layla Khoury-Hanold<\/p><p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-68843\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/yellow-book-cover-for-our-knives-will.png\" alt=\"book cover for Our Knives Will Save Us: Dispatches from a White Mountain Apache Chef by Nephi Craig; outline of head with food items inside\" width=\"397\" height=\"600\" \/>If you are what you eat, then what you cook must be just as revealing.<\/p>\n<p>In <i><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/4094\/9780593831908\">Our Knives Will Save Us: Dispatches from a White Mountain Apache Chef<\/a><\/i><i> <\/i>(Penguin Press; July 2026), author and chef Nephi Craig chronicles his journey from his childhood on the White Mountain Apache Tribe Reservation to cooking in some of the top restaurants around the world, all while battling the highs and lows of substance abuse and navigating incarceration.<\/p>\n<p>Craig\u2019s voice, vulnerable and raw, puts to paper some of his most painful experiences but it offers readers an illuminating look at Indigenous history and the power that food has to rewrite narratives and chart a new path for healing.<\/p>\n<p>When Nephi Craig enrolled in a culinary arts program in Scottsdale, Arizona, cooking professionally wasn\u2019t really on his radar. He was eighteen and already struggling with substance abuse, something that had plagued generations of his extended family on the White Mountain Apache Tribe Reservation where he grew up. He agreed to go to school as a condition of receiving probation rather than jail time, but he discovered that he loved cooking and being in the kitchen. Still, he didn\u2019t quite connect with the Euro-centric curriculum of mother sauces and French words for fancy knife cuts and could feel his otherness when he asked the professor to define terminology like <i>risotto <\/i>or <i>mirepoix <\/i>or bistro.<\/p>\n<p>Despite not seeing himself or his culture reflected in culinary school lessons and recipes, his curiosity was piqued. From the outset, Craig interrogates different dishes from his unique Navajo and Apache viewpoint\u2014such as how tomatoes and squash are indigenous to the Americas, two of the key ingredients in the French vegetable dish ratatouille. Examining ingredients and connecting them to his Indigenous roots deepens his passion for cooking, while illuminating his people\u2019s complicated history of colonial violence and generational trauma. Craig\u2019s generous rendering gives readers an opportunity to learn about Indigenous cultures and rituals through food, as with autumnal acorns from the Emory oak that can be eaten straight out of the shell. \u201cWhen I was young, I looked forward to the joyful racket of my aunties and grandmas gathered around our dinner table, cracking acorns and howling with laughter.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When Craig eventually lands a job cooking at his dream restaurant, he applies himself and works harder than ever. He even creates the Native American Culinary Association to further explore his heritage and share his knowledge. But his successes and triumphs are interspersed with multiple stints in treatment centers as he tries desperately to stay sober. Getting married and becoming a father provide additional motivation, and it seems like Craig is becoming the man he wants to be\u2014someone who more closely resembles his father, Vincent Craig, a revered Din\u00e9 (Navajo) singer\/songwriter and Marine Corps sergeant. But a champagne toast after a well-executed New Year\u2019s Eve dinner service leads to a bender, causing Craig to violate his probation and cost him the job that had given him such pride and purpose.<\/p>\n<p>Craig spends three months in jail, where he joined the Natives faction, known as \u201cthe Chiefs,\u201d working in the kitchen to prepare meals for 7,800 inmates, utilizing \u201cthousands of pounds of donated, almost-\u200b\u00adexpired food into warm meals, using a dozen hundred-\u200b\u00adfifty-\u200b gallon, industrial steam kettles in two rows of six that faced each other.\u201d It marks somewhat of a turning point for Craig, and is an experience that is emblematic of his character\u2014despite experiencing deep shame around the circumstances, he still takes pride in cooking food to keep his fellow prisoners alive. He also realizes so much of what is considered revelatory in the world of food trends is in fact how Native Americans have eaten for generations: nose-to-tail, farm-to-table, plant-based.<\/p>\n<p>Craig finds ways to continue exploring his Apache and Navajo roots through the Native American Culinary Association and eventually cooking Native-inspired dinners around the world in places like Brazil, England, Germany, and Japan. But still, Craig struggles with addiction and he paints a very real portrait of the ways that addiction can change your perceptions and beliefs around who and what you value\u2014at one point, he even sells his prize Japanese chef knives for money to support his addiction. Even as positive experiences start to accumulate, he seems to self-sabotage his success at every stage. It takes several more stints at rehab for Craig to really find a foothold in sobriety, and it is beautiful for the reader to witness the way in which he applies some of his most profound reflections to honor his ancestors\u2019 wisdom and create healing in his own life.<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><i>\u201cOne of the realizations that had come to me when I\u2019d lost my toehold and tumbled from the mountain of fine dining was that my work around Native foods extended far beyond the professional food world. Talking to Indigenous people about traditional ingredients and foodways was actually a public health service. I believed I could get people excited to make healthier food choices by focusing on the history of Indigenous people\u2019s eating habits, specifically how what they ate before and after contact with the colonizers was radically different.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n<p>Overall, <i>Our Knives Will Save Us <\/i>offers a stark portrayal of addiction, the lack of indigenous representation in the culinary industry, and the brutal ways that generational trauma and substance abuse can rob us of living meaningful lives. By sharing his stories and making his voice heard, Craig finds ways to decolonize native foodways and chart a path to healing for himself and his people. His stories, while raw and painful, ultimately offer the reader hope.<\/p>\n<p>This book is for avid readers of memoir, fans of food and chef stories, and those seeking to deepen their knowledge of Indigenous culture and history through its foodways.<\/p>\n<div class=\"su-box su-box-style-default\" id=\"\" style=\"border-color:#127680;border-radius:3px;max-width:none\"><div class=\"su-box-title\" style=\"background-color:#45a9b3;color:#FFFFFF;border-top-left-radius:1px;border-top-right-radius:1px\">Meet the Contributor<\/div><div class=\"su-box-content su-u-clearfix su-u-trim\" style=\"border-bottom-left-radius:1px;border-bottom-right-radius:1px\">\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-47187\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/03\/LKH-head-shot_May-2021.jpg\" alt=\"Headshot of Layla Khoury Hanold\" width=\"200\" height=\"300\" \/>Layla Khoury-Hanold is a freelance journalist who has written for Food52, Food Network, and the <i>Chicago Tribune<\/i>, among others. She is working on her debut memoir. Follow her on Instagram @words_with_layla or on Twitter\/X @words_withlayla.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Craig\u2019s generous rendering gives readers an opportunity to learn about Indigenous cultures and rituals through food&#8230;<\/p>\n<p class=\"more-link-p\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/2026\/09\/review-our-knives-will-save-us-dispatches-from-a-white-mountain-apache-chef-by-nephi-craig\/\">Read full story \u2192<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":68843,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_price":"","_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_header":"","_tribe_default_ticket_provider":"","_tribe_ticket_capacity":"","_ticket_start_date":"","_ticket_end_date":"","_tribe_ticket_show_description":"","_tribe_ticket_show_not_going":false,"_tribe_ticket_use_global_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_global_stock_level":"","_global_stock_mode":"","_global_stock_cap":"","_tribe_rsvp_for_event":"","_tribe_ticket_going_count":"","_tribe_ticket_not_going_count":"","_tribe_tickets_list":"[]","_tribe_ticket_has_attendee_info_fields":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"gopublish_seo_title":"","gopublish_seo_description":""},"categories":[91,14,8,2087],"tags":[1585],"class_list":["post-68844","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","category-issues","category-memoir-reviews","category-september-october-2026","tag-layla-khoury-hanold"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t<!-- 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Even the Darkest Night: A Father\u2019s Journey of Hope and Healing from Paternal Depression by Christopher Choukalas, MD"},"content":{"rendered":"<p class=\"headline\">Reviewed by Anna Rollins<\/p><p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-68841\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/man-holding-a-baby-representing-paternal-hope.png\" alt=\"cover of Even the Darkest Night  by Christopher Choukalas; Man holding a baby, representing paternal hope\" width=\"397\" height=\"600\" \/><\/p>\n<p>The term \u2018postpartum depression\u2019 often evokes the image of a mother. Perhaps we conceive of a housebound woman with sweaty hair twisted in a messy knot, breasts engorged, pelvic floor prolapsed, as she rocks a crying baby unable to be soothed. A mother is, after all, the one who\u2019s had her body broken open from the experience of birth.<\/p>\n<p>But to exclusively center mothers in the discussion of postpartum mental health would be to turn a blind eye to the very real struggles of fathers whose lives (and <a href=\"https:\/\/pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/articles\/PMC6919930\/\">hormones<\/a>!) are also upended after childbirth. It is this under-discussed, though <a href=\"https:\/\/pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/31757623\/\">incredibly common<\/a>, condition of paternal postpartum depression that physician Christopher Choukalas narrates in his memoir, <i><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/4094\/9780593980224\">Even the Darkest Night<\/a><\/i><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/4094\/9780593980224\">: <\/a><i><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/4094\/9780593980224\">A Father\u2019s Journey of Hope and Healing from Paternal Depression<\/a><\/i><i> <\/i>(Harmony, 2026).<\/p>\n<p>Choukalas\u2019s memoir begins with a birth that almost results in death. His wife, Lindsey, hemorrhaged significantly after delivering their twin daughters. As he watched her fight for her life, he grieved the potential loss of his partner and feared the responsibility of caring for two infants alone. Though Lindsey survives and thrives after the traumatic birth, Choukalas struggles significantly.<\/p>\n<p>Choukalas\u2019s narrative is structured with the inciting incident of the traumatic birth, the fallout of his own mental health, and then his recovery. On his path to recovery, he utilizes both therapeutic and pharmaceutical support. He invites the reader into his childhood wounds: a coming-of-age steeped in poverty after being abandoned by his father and raised by a single mother who was forced to overwork herself to make ends meet. This\u2014his fear of becoming the same sort of father he had, a father who abandoned his children\u2014is something Choukalas skillfully grapples with in the narrative.<\/p>\n<p>With unflinching honesty, he both indicts and empathizes with his father who left him as a child. Describing his life before marriage and children, he writes, \u201cI was angry and I was a yeller, too. I\u2019d thrown things. I\u2019d broken furniture, the whole deal. Now add a kid into the mix, and \u2018I wouldn\u2019t have been ready for it\u2019 is like saying a tree isn\u2019t ready to fly to the moon. When I was the age he was when we were born, I didn\u2019t have a pot to piss in, much less the emotional maturity to do anything for anyone but myself\u2014or even for myself, for that matter.\u201d He continues to say that he viscerally understood his father\u2019s decision to not stick around for his family.<\/p>\n<p>And yet, even with this understanding, he refuses to make the same choices. Instead, he works to break familial cycles. His narrative encourages men to find solace in shared spaces, to lean into relationships rather than atomizing pain in isolation. He writes about finding community in the early morning hours at a coffee shop, a place where he met men from all walks of life, all who dealt with private struggles and who were able to reach outside themselves and find healing and wholeness in the presence of others.<\/p>\n<p>Part of the power in Choukalas\u2019s account is his subject position as an anesthesiologist and intensive care physician. If depression were something that came for the weak, if it were something that one could just grit their teeth and power through, Choukalas would have been able to do it. He is a high-functioning, ultra-achiever. In revealing his struggle with mental health, he refuses to accept a cartesian dualism that the mind and body are separate, that psychological struggles are akin to moral failing.<\/p>\n<p>In fact, Choukalas\u2019s ability to achieve outside ambitions may have been the very spirit that put him at risk for a mental health condition in the postpartum period. Babies are unpredictable. He coped with their uncertainty with control, developing elaborate sleep schedules and meticulously charting bowel movements. He deprived their family of the pleasure of long hikes or weekends away in order to maintain order and predictability. This, he admits, was ultimately not for the sake of the children: he did this for his own sanity. It was the loud voices in his head he longed to quiet, not the infant cries of his flesh and blood.<\/p>\n<p>Choukalas\u2019s voice is straight-forward and no-nonsense. Far from self-pitying, there were times he seemed almost <i>too<\/i> hard on himself. He became a father of twins after years of infertility at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. At this same time, he was also serving as a physician on the front lines in the ICU. As he described his obsession with schedules and sleep, this didn\u2019t seem solely pathological: our culture required obsessions and compulsions as part of safety protocol during the pandemic. I often found myself wondering if his path to fatherhood would have been easier if it hadn\u2019t begun in the middle of a world health crisis. This is not to diminish his credibility; Choukalas\u2019s ability to eschew victimhood certainly strengthens his narrative. But in reading his account, I found myself considering how our environments impact mental health\u2014not just the conditions of our childhood or the chemistry of our brains, but the day in, day out world in which we live.<\/p>\n<p>Choukalas likens his healing journey to <i>kintsugi<\/i>, \u201cthe Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by joining the pieces together with golden lacquer, making a strong and beautiful product out of shards.\u201d Near the end of the memoir, Choukalas is given a friend suggestion on Facebook: his father who had abandoned him as a child. As he evaluates the profile picture of his father, he sees that his father shares the same eyes that his daughter, Pia, possesses. Both figures broke him open, though one was the catalyst for stitching him back together, making him new. This memoir does the important work of shining light on a condition that is often shrouded with shame, of envisioning how men can heal, grow, and thrive in the postpartum period, too.<\/p>\n<div class=\"su-box su-box-style-default\" id=\"\" style=\"border-color:#127680;border-radius:3px;max-width:none\"><div class=\"su-box-title\" style=\"background-color:#45a9b3;color:#FFFFFF;border-top-left-radius:1px;border-top-right-radius:1px\">Meet the Contributor<\/div><div class=\"su-box-content su-u-clearfix su-u-trim\" style=\"border-bottom-left-radius:1px;border-bottom-right-radius:1px\">\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-68018\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/image1-2-300x300.jpg\" alt=\"anna rollins\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\" \/>Anna Rollins is the author of <i><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/p\/books\/famished-on-food-sex-and-growing-up-as-a-good-girl\/60474f8c1f709140?ean=9780802884510&amp;next=t&amp;next=t\">Famished: On Food, Sex, and Growing Up as a Good Girl<\/a><\/i>. Her groundbreaking debut memoir examines the rhyming scripts of diet culture and evangelical purity culture. Her writing has appeared in <i>The New York Times, Slate, Electric Literature, Salon, Joyland,<\/i> and more, and she has also published scholarly work in composition and writing center studies. An award-winning instructor, Anna taught English in higher education for nearly 15 years and is a 2025 West Virginia Creative Network Literary Arts Fellow. Follow her on Instagram and Substack @annajrollins<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Choukalas\u2019s memoir begins with a birth that almost results in death.<\/p>\n<p class=\"more-link-p\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/2026\/09\/review-even-the-darkest-night-a-fathers-journey-of-hope-and-healing-from-paternal-depression-by-christopher-choukalas-md\/\">Read full story \u2192<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":68841,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_price":"","_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_header":"","_tribe_default_ticket_provider":"","_tribe_ticket_capacity":"","_ticket_start_date":"","_ticket_end_date":"","_tribe_ticket_show_description":"","_tribe_ticket_show_not_going":false,"_tribe_ticket_use_global_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_global_stock_level":"","_global_stock_mode":"","_global_stock_cap":"","_tribe_rsvp_for_event":"","_tribe_ticket_going_count":"","_tribe_ticket_not_going_count":"","_tribe_tickets_list":"[]","_tribe_ticket_has_attendee_info_fields":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"gopublish_seo_title":"","gopublish_seo_description":""},"categories":[91,14,8,2087],"tags":[2080],"class_list":["post-68842","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","category-issues","category-memoir-reviews","category-september-october-2026","tag-anna-rollins"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t<!-- 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00:57:41","updated":"2026-09-11 02:48:44","seo_analyzer_scan_date":null,"focus_keyword":null,"additional_keywords":null,"truseo_locale":null},"aioseo_breadcrumb":"<div class=\"aioseo-breadcrumbs\"><span class=\"aioseo-breadcrumb\">\n\t\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\" title=\"Home\">Home<\/a>\n\t\t<\/span><span class=\"aioseo-breadcrumb-separator\">&raquo;<\/span><span class=\"aioseo-breadcrumb\">\n\t\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/category\/articles\/\" title=\"Articles\">Articles<\/a>\n\t\t<\/span><span class=\"aioseo-breadcrumb-separator\">&raquo;<\/span><span class=\"aioseo-breadcrumb\">\n\t\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/category\/articles\/memoir-reviews\/\" title=\"Reviews\">Reviews<\/a>\n\t\t<\/span><span class=\"aioseo-breadcrumb-separator\">&raquo;<\/span><span class=\"aioseo-breadcrumb\">\n\t\t\tREVIEW: Even the Darkest Night: A Father\u2019s Journey of Hope and Healing from Paternal Depression by Christopher 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Our Wild Familiars: How Animals Are Adapting to Cities and Reshaping The Natural World by Dan Werb"},"content":{"rendered":"<p class=\"headline\">Reviewed by Brian Lee Knopp<\/p><p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-68839\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/book-cover-of-our-animal-familiars.png\" alt=\"Book cover of Our Animal Familiars by Dan Werb\" width=\"397\" height=\"600\" \/>They are coming for us.<\/p>\n<p>They are coming <i>because<\/i> of us.<\/p>\n<p>Raccoons hijacking fast-food restaurants. Coyotes hunting in metro transit hubs and deserted inner city streets. Foxes pouncing about urban parks and gardens at twilight. Bats and rats flitting inside buildings with impunity. Giant octopus lurking just off the most populated and polluted coastal cities. Leopards prowling courthouses and government buildings. Marauding bands of baboons herding and <i>riding<\/i> feral dogs who protect them while the primates terrorize tourists and city dwellers, alike. Invasive plants climbing inches per day, self-replicating from deeply buried seed pods, proving almost impossible to stop as they strangle vast swaths of urban and rural areas.<\/p>\n<p>Are these scenes from a terrifying new sci-fi thriller?<\/p>\n<p>Nope. These scenes are our new reality. And this new reality just might\u2014with paradox piled atop paradox, here\u2014save humankind from itself. That is, if we are smart enough and empathic enough to not only adapt to, but also accommodate \u201csynanthropes\u201d\u2014the wild creatures and plants that have figured out how to survive and thrive in human-modified environments.<\/p>\n<p>Canadian author Dan Werb is the perfect role model of smarts and empathy to instruct and to lead us in this brave new world wherein our \u201cancient frenemies\u201d and even exotic predators are now becoming our urban neighbors. His latest book, <i><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/4094\/9780593799635\">Our Wild Familiars: How Animals Are Adapting to Cities and Reshaping The Natural World<\/a><\/i><i> <\/i>(Crown; July 2026),<i> <\/i>is a stellar and utterly necessary read. Werb is a social epidemiologist, a kind of disease and injury detective sworn to protect and preserve human health. But to that end, he is also driven to explore our era of human-driven mass extinctions and displacement of other species, and to uncover the key co-evolutionary role shared between humans and animals.<\/p>\n<p>Please don\u2019t let Werb\u2019s science cred chase you away from this book! He is a former dance-punk band musician, and quite simply the coolest, most reassuring geek guide you could ever hope for while facing down apocalyptic scenarios of our own making. <i>Our Wild Familiars<\/i> effortlessly and enthusiastically combines biology, philosophy, sociology, and literary references to present an astonishing and ultimately uplifting study of animal resilience and adaptation. And best of all, Werb writes like a dream\u2014lucid, witty, impassioned, yet concretely illustrative paragraph by paragraph.<\/p>\n<p>Just two brief examples will convince. Here, Werb explores the depths of heavily-polluted Puget Sound:<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><i>\u201cTextured sunlight drips down from the surface, shifting the colors diffracting through the water surrounding me&#8211;green, yellow, orange, red&#8211;and imbuing it with a satisfying viscosity, as if I were swimming through the dissolved insides of a giant gummy bear\u2026 [W]hen I dove down sixty feet and met a giant Pacific octopus clutching hundreds of thousands of eggs in a house made of concrete and rusted iron debris\u2026 I felt all the big emotions that you would expect. Running my eyes over her fleshy pink tentacles, white suckers, heaving gill, and gigantic eyeball, other thoughts came to mind that I&#8217;m only ready to admit to now. This thing is a monster, I thought, but somewhere in the world is another one like it that feels, with every fiber of its being, that this is the sexiest creature to ever exist. That thought made me laugh, which is hard to do underwater. And it&#8217;s as true of an octopus, I realized, as it is of a corpulent raccoon, a hideous-to-me leaf-nosed bat, and a hamadryas baboon flashing a swollen, garish, and throbbing red bum<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Here, he relates the onslaught of hamadryas baboons in Saudi Arabia:<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">\u201c<i>I have seen few things more otherworldly than the image of a horde of baboons, thousands strong, moving in frantic unison over these desert hills. When it happens, triggered by onlookers, buzzing drones, or some other perceived threat, the dogs here move with the horde\u2026 their herding instincts put to the service of baboon protection\u2026 [We] might be seeing the second time in history of their species that Canis familiaris is being domesticated by a primate.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n<p><i>Our Wild Familiars<\/i> is structured in three parts, with the three main sections bookended by the most gripping prologue I have ever read in a natural science book, and an epilogue that will haunt you long after you close the book. Part One introduces the reader to the synanthropes that live among the world&#8217;s most destructive and toxic predators ever having evolved to date: Us. Part Two explains the consequences when synanthropes become too successful or too concentrated in a particular area. Part Three reveals the ways human communities might evolve in sync with the synanthropes, achieving a harmonious equilibrium with animal species that will not only survive but become celebrated almost-family members who impart meaning and purpose to our lives. All nine chapters begin with a brief block summary of the respective chapter\u2019s key points, like in an abstract you would typically find in a scientific journal.<\/p>\n<p>But beyond that formal presentation, the book\u2019s organization becomes charmingly and even purposely digressive, yet always narratively riveting. Amazing animal achievements and fantastic factoids briefly intermingle and separate, flashing here and there across the pages like fireflies. Dramatic cameos of beasts, and of the renegade biologists who champion them, pop up like prairie dogs, only to disappear for a few pages and then reappear to deliver a trenchant analysis or bold prediction, or to deliver an epic encore featuring the beasts by themselves, whose very persistent presence conveys a mute yet triumphant eloquence that is neither self-contradictory nor the product of anthropomorphic projection. Indeed, the subject animals deliver something far more remarkable: they deliver nothing less than the much sought-after concept and liminal state we Creatures of the Word call hope.<\/p>\n<p><i>Our Wild Familiars<\/i> is the perfect antidote to the &#8220;depressive realism&#8221; inherent to most current studies of the 21<sup>st<\/sup> century clash between human and animal trajectories. Werb certainly sees the bad and calls it out. But the more he makes us look around the globe, the more we can see \u201cpatterns of resilience and improvement\u201d we likely never believed existed or were even possible.<\/p>\n<p>Werb\u2019s alternative tone of \u201cmanic realism\u201d flags in a few spots\u2014and understandably so. Like in his chapter \u201cEmbracing the Widow Makers,\u201d wherein he struggles with the karmic battle between the extinction of the Bengal tiger through unchecked human &#8220;progress&#8221; and the fate of the &#8220;tiger widows&#8221; whose dead husbands and sons can no longer provide food and shelter for them, and whose vulnerable daughters are pulled away from their communities and down into the perilous vortex of sex work just to survive. He has the courage to confess being shaken by the stark truth that there is, at present, \u201cno clear or psychically satisfying outcome to this battle.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Face it. Werb does. We should, too. Despair is self-fulfilling and disempowering. Rage might be a great motivator, but it sucks as a solution to complex interrelated problems. For myself, the most important takeaway from this book is to try and adopt the synanthrope&#8217;s perspective about the seemingly catastrophic degradation of our environment: Adapt or die. Paradise lost is not a reason for paralysis or apathy.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLife is chaos,\u201d Werb solemnly admits, \u201cbut there is no going back. Building a denial of these basic facts into urban design will make us less able to contemplate and come to peace with our own inevitable end and the constant transformation of the planet around us.\u201d Throughout much of the book, Werb spotlights numerous simple solutions that achieve results: animal corridors provide safe passageways through city grids and reduce roadkill; working toward a &#8220;managed retreat&#8221; rather than the futile and inevitably toxic &#8220;zero tolerance&#8221; efforts against urban rodents, and recognizing that our &#8220;rat problem&#8221; is actually a human problem of how we organize and maintain our urban spaces. Regarding the nightmare-inducing scenario of warlike baboons and their feral dog bodyguards, locking waste receptacles and prohibiting tourists from feeding baboons have proved more successful in deterring them than the unchecked poisoning and shooting campaigns.<\/p>\n<p>Will informed hope be enough? Is it even feasible? Werb believes and proves the affirmative:<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><i>\u201cNature isn\u2019t retreating; it\u2019s accelerating toward us. A motley band of synanthropes, huge in number and diversity, are burrowing their way into our communities. In doing so, they are changing the places we call home. And they are changing themselves in the<\/i> <i>process\u2026 [They] show us the world as it is and a path forward to connecting with nature beyond simply mourning what we\u2019ve lost. And if we look closely enough, they can show us that wonder is alive all around us, in the incredible adaptation of these creatures, our wild familiars, who have found solace in our streets, our garbage cans, our sewers, and our homes.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n<p>You know that old icebreaker question used by book clubs and for author events: \u201cIf you had to choose one book to read while marooned on a deserted island, what would it be?\u201d Well, I have a new choice for myself (before now I always chose <i>The Riverside Shakespeare<\/i>). And maybe a new choice for you, too: Dan Werb\u2019s <i>Our Wild Familiars<\/i>.<\/p>\n<div class=\"su-box su-box-style-default\" id=\"\" style=\"border-color:#127680;border-radius:3px;max-width:none\"><div class=\"su-box-title\" style=\"background-color:#45a9b3;color:#FFFFFF;border-top-left-radius:1px;border-top-right-radius:1px\">Meet the Contributor<\/div><div class=\"su-box-content su-u-clearfix su-u-trim\" style=\"border-bottom-left-radius:1px;border-bottom-right-radius:1px\">\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-66625\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/image1-10.jpg\" alt=\"brian lee knopp\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\" \/>Brian Lee Knopp is a retired North Carolina private investigator. His most recent publication is the 2024 essay collection titled <i>Dreams I&#8217;m Never Gonna See: The Takeover of WDIZ Rock 100\/FM and Other Essays (<\/i>Cosmic Pigbite Press). A former professional sheep shearer with an MA in English literature from the University of Texas at Austin, Knopp has taught nonfiction writing for the UNCA-Great Smokies Writing Program, and his work has appeared in <i>storySouth, Hippocampus Magazine <\/i>(2024 Pushcart Prize nomination)<i>, Stoneboat Journal, WNC Magazine<\/i>, <i>Now &amp; Then: The Appalachian Magazine, The Great Smokies Review<\/i>, and elsewhere. He lives in Asheville.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>They are coming for us. They are coming because of us.<\/p>\n<p class=\"more-link-p\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/2026\/09\/review-our-wild-familiars-by-dan-werb\/\">Read full story \u2192<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":68839,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_price":"","_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_header":"","_tribe_default_ticket_provider":"","_tribe_ticket_capacity":"","_ticket_start_date":"","_ticket_end_date":"","_tribe_ticket_show_description":"","_tribe_ticket_show_not_going":false,"_tribe_ticket_use_global_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_global_stock_level":"","_global_stock_mode":"","_global_stock_cap":"","_tribe_rsvp_for_event":"","_tribe_ticket_going_count":"","_tribe_ticket_not_going_count":"","_tribe_tickets_list":"[]","_tribe_ticket_has_attendee_info_fields":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"gopublish_seo_title":"","gopublish_seo_description":""},"categories":[91,14,8,2087],"tags":[1856],"class_list":["post-68840","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","category-issues","category-memoir-reviews","category-september-october-2026","tag-brian-lee-knopp"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t<!-- 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LIFE: 5 Lessons for Writers from a Small Press Founder Celebrating 5 Years by Angel R. Ackerman"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>When you build something from nothing, success comes from a combination of preparation and vision. Luck, connections and opportunity all play a role, but you can\u2019t see any of that and you can\u2019t do anything about it without vision.<\/p>\n<p>A long-term sustainable business model is difficult to obtain and maintain for any entrepreneur \u2014 add in an industry as volatile and notorious as writing and it\u2019s easy to get frustrated before you\u2019re out of the gate.<\/p>\n<p>My small press, <a href=\"https:\/\/parisianphoenix.com\/\">Parisian Phoenix Publishing<\/a>, released its 50th book in May and will celebrate the end of its fifth year this month. To celebrate this, the team has planned five months of activities. Behind the scenes, I can\u2019t believe the milestones we have achieved and the lessons we have learned. We have more than 50 books (three have been released since the 50th and, as of this writing, we have three more scheduled later this year) with a presence in 45 stores in nine states, including six Barnes and Noble stores.<\/p>\n<p>More than 90% of our work features traditionally-published authors, who don\u2019t pay a dime or have royalties held to repay the publisher for services. We provide reduced-cost author copies for life, and we offer 50% royalties on sales through the distributor. Those are high figures for the industry, and yes, it means lower profit margins for me in an industry where those profits are already low.<\/p>\n<p>But, I firmly believe that if my authors know they will make exactly what I make on every sale, they will work harder to promote the book.<\/p>\n<p>And the other10%? We offer a network of professional services at a reasonable cost for people who want to self-publish, need editorial support, or need access to a good graphic designer or photographer. We offer ghostwriting and project management \u2014 you\u2019d be surprised (or maybe you wouldn\u2019t) how many potential authors know what they need to do, but just need help ordering and completing the process.<\/p>\n<p>Five lessons I have learned in the first five years of my business?<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><b>1. I should have dedicated my talents to projects that led to my own personal gain a long time ago. <\/b><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">As a journalist and a non-profit communications professional, my efforts and my words always benefited someone else.<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><b>2. Too many writers don\u2019t learn about the industry before pitching their projects.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>In their haste and enthusiasm, some pitch projects before they are ready and waste their time in front of whatever agent\/editor\/publisher they had hoped to reach. Some succeed at the pitch but have no clue what constitutes a good deal or a reputable publisher and lose their creative integrity or the profits.<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><b>3. No matter how good the advice or where it came from, it\u2019s meaningless if you hate it.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>This applies to marketing and social media. This applies to writing mentors. If someone tells you that something would be better if\u2026 [insert advice here] and that advice makes you cringe \u2014 don\u2019t do it! Something you did because you were told you had to will never be as good as something for which you had passion.<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><b>4. Writing is a long game, and it\u2019s not zero-sum.<\/p>\n<p><\/b>Serious readers read a lot, and if the author next to you sells a book and you don\u2019t, don\u2019t hate the author. I promise, if you do the work, you will find your readers. A book performs in direct proportion to how much thought and effort you put into promotion. Not the publisher. You. Discuss your marketing goals with your publisher and know what they will do and what you will do and how you can best support each other. But it\u2019s extremely rare for books to become bestsellers. It\u2019s even rarer for an author to make money only from writing books.<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">Successful \u201cfull-time\u201d writers have multiple streams of income, even me. Right now my income streams include: editing clients, teaching undergraduate college classes in publishing, freelance journalism, paid subscribers on my Substack newsletter, and book sales and royalties on the Parisian Phoenix backlist. As a writer, you have to find your own hustle.<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><b>5. Know your goals, meet your deadlines and get the work done.<\/p>\n<p><\/b>If you\u2019re working with a publisher (or client), ask questions when you\u2019re not sure. Know what\u2019s expected of you and the deadlines you need to meet. Keep track of the process so if you work with that entity again you know what to expect and what\u2019s expected. Remember the familiar adage: under-promise and over-deliver.<\/p>\n<p>Whether it\u2019s a business owner with a brand book or a first-time author traditionally publishing the only book they ever plan to write, I ask every client what their goals are. I will be straightforward and honest. Before you even see a contract, I will tell you what I can and cannot do. You owe it to yourself to know exactly what you expect from your writing career, and it better be more than just \u201cto get my book out there\u201d or \u201cto make money.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If you don\u2019t have experience in professional writing and want a resource to help you learn the industry and know what a writer needs to know, I recommend \u201cThe Business of Being a Writer\u201d by Jane Friedman. She\u2019s a guru you need to know if you don\u2019t know her.<\/p>\n<p>If you want an insider\u2019s view of the industry about the nuts and bolts of the actual publishing part of the business, I recommend \u201cThe People\u2019s Guide to Publishing\u201d by Joe Biel. Joe is the publisher at Microcosm, a successful midlist publisher and distributor (that refuses to work with Amazon).<\/p>\n<p>If you want an insider view of the bookselling industry with some very entertaining memoir, I recommend \u201cRebel Bookseller: Why Indie Bookstores Represent Everything You Want to Fight for from Free Speech to Buying Local to Building Communities\u201d by Andy Laties. Andy is the co-owner of Book and Puppet, an independent bookstore in downtown Easton, Pa.<\/p>\n<div class=\"su-box su-box-style-default\" id=\"\" style=\"border-color:#127680;border-radius:3px;max-width:none\"><div class=\"su-box-title\" style=\"background-color:#45a9b3;color:#FFFFFF;border-top-left-radius:1px;border-top-right-radius:1px\">Meet the Contributor<\/div><div class=\"su-box-content su-u-clearfix su-u-trim\" style=\"border-bottom-left-radius:1px;border-bottom-right-radius:1px\">\n<p><span style=\"color: #222222;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-62380\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/ackerman.jpg\" alt=\"angel r ackerman writer\" width=\"351\" height=\"263\" \/>Angel R. Ackerman, founder of <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/parisianphoenix.com\/\">Parisian Phoenix Publishing<\/a><span style=\"color: #222222;\">, writes horror fiction with a woman\u2019s touch in her \u201cFashion &amp; <\/span><span style=\"color: #222222;\">Fiends<\/span><span style=\"color: #222222;\">\u201d series. She has more than 15 years experience covering Northampton County, Pa., and Phillipsburg, N.J., for local print newspapers. She is a board member of the Mary Meuser Memorial Library board of trustees and the Greater Lehigh Valley Writers Group. Find<\/span><span style=\"color: #222222;\"><span style=\"background-color: #ffffff;\"> Angel and Parisian Phoenix on Substack, and sometimes Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When you build something from nothing, success comes from a combination of preparation and vision.<\/p>\n<p class=\"more-link-p\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/2026\/09\/writing-life-5-lessons-for-writers-from-a-small-press-founder-celebrating-5-years-by-angel-r-ackerman\/\">Read full story \u2192<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":62380,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_price":"","_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_header":"","_tribe_default_ticket_provider":"","_tribe_ticket_capacity":"","_ticket_start_date":"","_ticket_end_date":"","_tribe_ticket_show_description":"","_tribe_ticket_show_not_going":false,"_tribe_ticket_use_global_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_global_stock_level":"","_global_stock_mode":"","_global_stock_cap":"","_tribe_rsvp_for_event":"","_tribe_ticket_going_count":"","_tribe_ticket_not_going_count":"","_tribe_tickets_list":"[]","_tribe_ticket_has_attendee_info_fields":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"gopublish_seo_title":"","gopublish_seo_description":""},"categories":[91,2035,14,2087,56],"tags":[1895],"class_list":["post-68886","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","category-columns","category-issues","category-september-october-2026","category-writing-life","tag-angel-r-ackerman"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t<!-- All in One SEO 5.0.1.1 - aioseo.com -->\n\t<meta name=\"description\" content=\"&quot;When you build something from nothing, success comes from a combination of preparation and vision.&quot; -- small press founder Angel R. 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Some of it is good. Some of it is bad, and some of it is downright paralyzing.<\/p>\n<p>Not only do I write fiction \u2014 at night, early in the morning, on random paper notes, whenever and wherever I can \u2014 but I\u2019m also a professional writer in a declining medium: print journalism, a.k.a.\u201cthe legacy media.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s a term I kind of hate because it suggests the medium I spend most of my days producing is dead, dying, maybe even already extinct. But newspaper journalists aren\u2019t dinosaurs, at least not yet, though at times I feel like we\u2019re living in that time right before the meteor hit, wiping out a way of life.<\/p>\n<p>Still, I hear from readers nearly every day who tell me that the work we\u2019re doing in the face of declining resources and demoralizing environments (the empty desks, the colleagues who left journalism for the greener grasses of public relations and now get paid more to do less with saner hours and better benefits, the realization that the job you\u2019re doing now used to be done by three or sometimes even four people) matters, that it helps.<\/p>\n<p>For many newspaper outlets, all those checks and balances \u2014 the copy editors, the news editors, the proofreaders \u2014 are like onsite printing presses, a relic of days gone by.<\/p>\n<p>But, nevertheless, we write. People read the words and sometimes we make a difference. I know that there\u2019s a place to slow down, breathe, smell the roses and reflect. And research that suggests it\u2019s good for us.<\/p>\n<p>However, I\u2019ve long been a fan of 17th century poet Robert Herrick\u2019s famous booty call poem, \u201cTo the Virgins, to Make Much of Time,\u201d which could be paraphrased in simpler language as \u201clet\u2019s get busy, girl, because we\u2019re not going to be young and spry forever.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>In the age of Ultron (and yes, I am making a reference to an Avenger movie in a literary essay because don\u2019t tell me what to do), where most of us do have many other demands on our resources and ironically have to do more with less, more technology doesn\u2019t mean more time. In fact, I feel like it means we sometimes have less. How often have you gotten the next new gadget, the next have-to-have thing, only to find that the process of doing what used to be simple has gotten more complex?<\/p>\n<p>I was telling somebody just yesterday that I missed the era before cell phones and constant email access, when you could leave your house and be unreachable for hours. Imagine clothes hanging on lines in yards outside, kids wiling away summer afternoons playing, and if their parents wanted them, they would have to yell. One of the most persistent memories of my childhood, though he\u2019s dead now and last I heard she lives in Atlanta, is my down-the-street friend\u2019s dad, Mr. White, yelling for his daughter to come home. In the time of good old rotary phones, a booming voice was a key parental asset.<\/p>\n<p>But now, when it\u2019s really hard and sometimes feels darn near impossible to get off the grid (or in the words of Battlestar Galactica\u2019s prescient technophobe Colonel Adama \u201cthe network\u2019), sometimes you have to steal time, and that means that there often isn\u2019t time to be concerned about the rules.<\/p>\n<p>I was raised Catholic, sort of. It\u2019s complicated because my mom dabbled in a lot of religious practices, some of which bordered on cults and maybe even were. I came to have a love-hate relationship with rules that eventually turned to a hate-hate relationship with the rules.<\/p>\n<p>I hated the hierarchy, the patriarchy, the bureaucracy, the big picture you have to go to church every Sunday. It wasn&#8217;t that I didn\u2019t want to go to church. I did. I just didn\u2019t want to be told that I had to go to church to the smallest sit-stand-kneel details. It felt like the Devil was in the details, but not in the way most people mean. I finally had a priest tell me when I was in college, \u201cDon\u2019t think of them as rules. Just think of them as guidelines.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It helped then, and it still helps now.<\/p>\n<p>Because, as much as I don\u2019t think that a news article or a literary essay or a Catholic mass should be a punctuationless free-for-all mess, I also don\u2019t think that standard overused advice is all that helpful. And, sometimes, it\u2019s the opposite.<\/p>\n<p>For example, the oft-repeated writing advice, \u201cShow, don\u2019t tell.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Even Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Richard Ford once told me (in a college class that I got into but felt like I didn\u2019t belong) or, rather, he told the class, \u201cSometimes you have to tell.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Stories (and life) require balance, nuance, not one-size-fits-all prescriptions.<\/p>\n<p>For example, here\u2019s a rule that\u2019s probably a good rule that I have broken: Let it sit for a while.<\/p>\n<p>There have been times when I have written a story in one day, submitted it and had it accepted on that same day.<\/p>\n<p>When it comes to writing, some people have special spaces, special times, special pens. And let me tell you, I tried the special pen thing. Not only did I try it, I went all in ordering highlighters and color-coordinated sticky notes to match, and it did not go well. Because, like many regimented systems that were created to help but end up hurting, it\u2019s possible to take a well-intentioned idea too far. (Think utopia to dystopia.)<\/p>\n<p>When I told a writer friend about my brilliant new system where I would take notes with a different pen color on a different day that coincided with the colors of the rainbow (it seemed like a good idea in theory!): she told me the truth \u2014 <i>you make things too hard<\/i>.<\/p>\n<p>And that\u2019s the problem with rules \u2014 sometimes the rules, even the ones we create for ourselves, make the writing process more difficult rather than easier.<\/p>\n<div class=\"su-box su-box-style-default\" id=\"\" style=\"border-color:#127680;border-radius:3px;max-width:none\"><div class=\"su-box-title\" style=\"background-color:#45a9b3;color:#FFFFFF;border-top-left-radius:1px;border-top-right-radius:1px\">Meet the Contributor<\/div><div class=\"su-box-content su-u-clearfix su-u-trim\" style=\"border-bottom-left-radius:1px;border-bottom-right-radius:1px\">\n<p>Lori D&#8217;Angelo is the author of \u201cThe Monsters Are Here,\u201d a collection of short stories. She is also a grant recipient from the Elizabeth George Foundation, a fellow at the Hambidge Center for Creative Arts and an alumna of the Community of Writers. She holds an MA from Pittsburgh Theological Seminary and an MFA from West Virginia University. Her work has appeared in various literary journals including BULL, Drunken Boat, Gargoyle, Moon City Review, Reed Magazine, Salvation South and Rejection Letters. Find her on Twitter @sclly21 or Instagram at lori.dangelo1 or visit her website at <a href=\"loridangelo.com\">loridangelo.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>There\u2019s lots of writing advice out there. Some of it is good. Some of it is bad, and some of it is downright paralyzing.<\/p>\n<p class=\"more-link-p\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/2026\/09\/writing-life-when-those-well-intentioned-do-this-not-that-rules-grind-you-down-by-lori-dangelo\/\">Read full story \u2192<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":68883,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_price":"","_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_header":"","_tribe_default_ticket_provider":"","_tribe_ticket_capacity":"","_ticket_start_date":"","_ticket_end_date":"","_tribe_ticket_show_description":"","_tribe_ticket_show_not_going":false,"_tribe_ticket_use_global_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_global_stock_level":"","_global_stock_mode":"","_global_stock_cap":"","_tribe_rsvp_for_event":"","_tribe_ticket_going_count":"","_tribe_ticket_not_going_count":"","_tribe_tickets_list":"[]","_tribe_ticket_has_attendee_info_fields":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"gopublish_seo_title":"","gopublish_seo_description":""},"categories":[91,2035,14,2087,56],"tags":[1893],"class_list":["post-68885","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","category-columns","category-issues","category-september-october-2026","category-writing-life","tag-lori-dangelo"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t<!-- All in One SEO 5.0.1.1 - aioseo.com -->\n\t<meta name=\"description\" content=\"&quot;There\u2019s lots of writing advice out there. 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Nine Grudges: The Spiteful Origins of the Happiest Dyke on Earth by Molly McCloy"},"content":{"rendered":"<p class=\"headline\">Reviewed by Fiona Banham<\/p><p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-68938\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/the-cover-of-nine-grudges-the-spritel-origins-of-the-happ.png\" alt=\"cover of Nine Grudges: The Spiteful Origins of the Happiest Dyke on Earth by Molly McCloy\" width=\"400\" height=\"600\" \/>When F. Scott Fitzgerald asserted that the highest form of intelligence is having the capacity to hold two contradictory ideas in one\u2019s mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function, he was pondering a specific scenario: that a person might be able to see a situation as being entirely hopeless and yet, at the same time, remain fiercely determined to resolve it.<\/p>\n<p>By all accounts, then\u2014Fitzgerald\u2019s, and most certainly my own\u2014Molly McCloy is nothing short of a genius.<\/p>\n<p>McCloy\u2019s moving memoir, <i><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/4094\/9781636284880\">Nine Grudges: The Spiteful Origins of the Happiest Dyke on Earth<\/a><\/i><i> <\/i>(Red Hen Press; Sept. 2026), is awash with surprising and stirring contradictions. In essence, this is a story about childhood trauma, persistent emotional and verbal (and occasional physical) abuse, and a dysfunctional upbringing that leaves McCloy and her beloved brothers, Tom and Jake, battling variegated combinations of depression, addiction, and disordered eating several decades into their adult lives.<\/p>\n<p>As the title suggests, the memoir documents nine particularly poignant instances of abuse, meticulously outlining the circumstances surrounding each incident and unpacking the short- and long-term impacts on the children with a quite frankly astounding degree of self-awareness. These heart-wrenching accounts of little Molly being dragged across the floor by her hair, little Molly being fat shamed, little Molly being mocked for expressing her daughterly love in a birthday card, are so vividly depicted that I not only felt the sickening shame of a passive bystander as I read them; I felt as though the assaults were being directly inflicted on me.<\/p>\n<p>I know what you\u2019re thinking, then: this must be an important but heavy book, with so many sombre themes, surely one to avoid during the bleak winter months up ahead (especially over here in Scotland, where those dark nights are so very long). It seems impossible that such a story could simultaneously be outrageously funny, uncompromisingly witty, and utterly entertaining. Given what she has been through, it would have been so easy for McCloy to throw a pity party and invite us all along to perpetuate the \u201cMcCloy family curse\u201d of broken hearts and dreams. Instead, she hosts a stand-up comedy night, challenging us to look unabashedly into the eyes of her most harrowing early experiences and find the light that she shone unrelentingly to stop her world from falling apart. No wonder McCloy is renowned for her inspiring workshops on writing about trauma in engaging and creative ways; in this, her memoir is nothing short of a masterclass.<\/p>\n<p>The most nuanced writing of all comes in the form of McCloy\u2019s multifaceted portrayal of her father, \u201cMaddog Mike\u201d, the perpetrator of all this abuse, the source of so much hurt and betrayal. After learning what little Molly had to endure, I was desperate to hate him, to put him into a neat little box labelled \u201cantagonist\u201d or \u201cvillain\u201d. But McCloy never quite allows us to, never quite lets us forget the fact that her formerly abusive father isn\u2019t a monster in man\u2019s clothing; he\u2019s just a human, grappling with his own specific breed of brokenness, as we all do. She is keen to emphasise\u2014and rightly so\u2014that his own traumatic childhood did not excuse his behaviour towards his own children (the narrative that her loving but fearful mother had historically peddled to justify the abuse).<\/p>\n<p>McCloy has also come to accept that not even 7,965 apologies &#8211; or \u201canti-grudges\u201d &#8211; would be enough to reverse all the lasting damage he caused to her self-esteem, to make her father into the \u201cGood Dad\u201d he failed to be when she needed him at 7, at 13, at 21, as she navigated her rapidly-evolving sense of self. And yet, at the same time, an earnest, wholehearted apology could prove enough to bring to life the possibility that \u201cGood Dad\u201d could exist in the present and in the future, despite his inescapable and undeniable fallibility.<\/p>\n<p>The final moments of the memoir, and everything that follows, could not be a more perfect manifestation of the old adage, \u2018nothing ventured, nothing gained\u2019. McCloy is 22, living away from home and seeing her dad only at Christmas, from a safe yet stilted emotional distance. After a harrowing nightmare in which her dad, under interrogation, reaches out to her and implores her to help him, she decides to write him a letter, and then another. In doing so, McCloy puts herself through each of the traumatic experiences that resulted in the nine grudges once again, forcing herself to re-live them, to embody them fully. Herein lies another stroke of genius: the book\u2019s structure mirrors the letter she wrote to her dad, so that we, too, replay the depths of her pain as she pours the nine grudges out of herself in ink. She is very clear that she let go of all expectations for the letter, that she wrote it as much for herself as for him. His response, and the nature of it, are more than she ever bargained for.<\/p>\n<p>Indeed, much as she wanted to share her story, McCloy admits that part of her motivation for writing more expansively about the nine grudges was as a therapeutic exercise for herself. Writing with such raw honesty and vulnerability is an incredible act of bravery, letting the world see her in the moments she felt at her very weakest, when she felt the least proud of herself and her family. In taking such a risk, McCloy opens up an unparallelled sense of connection to us as the reader, making us feel as though we\u2019re chatting with a friend we\u2019ve known for years.<\/p>\n<p>Readers may not necessarily have grown up with abusive fathers, but perhaps we have someone in our lives who loves us and yet struggles to use words to express that. Perhaps we have loved someone as fiercely as McCloy loved Elle\u2014the first woman she fell in love with\u2014and yet haven\u2019t found the courage to tell them how we feel. This book speaks to the very heart of the human experience, in the form of our relationships with those we love.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s why I believe we all have so much to gain from witnessing the power of forgiveness written in a warm smile shared between a flawed father and his beloved daughter-in-law, seen through the eyes of a woman whose immense courage\u2014combined with a rigid determination not to take herself too seriously\u2014have, against all the odds, made her into the very best version of herself: that is, the Happiest Dyke on Earth.<\/p>\n<div class=\"su-box su-box-style-default\" id=\"\" style=\"border-color:#127680;border-radius:3px;max-width:none\"><div class=\"su-box-title\" style=\"background-color:#45a9b3;color:#FFFFFF;border-top-left-radius:1px;border-top-right-radius:1px\">Meet the Contributor<\/div><div class=\"su-box-content su-u-clearfix su-u-trim\" style=\"border-bottom-left-radius:1px;border-bottom-right-radius:1px\">\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-68937 size-medium\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/a-woman-is-smiling-in-a-black-and-white-photo-225x300.jpeg\" alt=\"Fiona Banham\" width=\"225\" height=\"300\" \/>Fiona Banham is a writer, editor, and teacher living in Scotland. She has an MLitt in environmental history from the University of St Andrews. She is an adjudicator for the international flash fiction competition <i>NYC Midnight<\/i>, and writes for the music and culture journal <i>KLOF Mag. <\/i>She is currently working on her first novel \u2013 a sapphic historical fiction \u2013 surrounded by tea and cats.<\/p>\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><\/figure>\n<\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Molly McCloy\u2019s moving memoir is awash with surprising and stirring contradictions.<\/p>\n<p class=\"more-link-p\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/2026\/09\/review-nine-grudges-the-spiteful-origins-of-the-happiest-dyke-on-earth-by-molly-mccloy\/\">Read full story \u2192<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":68938,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_price":"","_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_header":"","_tribe_default_ticket_provider":"","_tribe_ticket_capacity":"","_ticket_start_date":"","_ticket_end_date":"","_tribe_ticket_show_description":"","_tribe_ticket_show_not_going":false,"_tribe_ticket_use_global_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_global_stock_level":"","_global_stock_mode":"","_global_stock_cap":"","_tribe_rsvp_for_event":"","_tribe_ticket_going_count":"","_tribe_ticket_not_going_count":"","_tribe_tickets_list":"[]","_tribe_ticket_has_attendee_info_fields":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"gopublish_seo_title":"","gopublish_seo_description":""},"categories":[91,14,8,2087],"tags":[2102],"class_list":["post-68939","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","category-issues","category-memoir-reviews","category-september-october-2026","tag-fiona-banham"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t<!-- 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Around the Worms by David Shepard"},"content":{"rendered":"<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><\/figure>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-68791 size-large\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/a-hole-in-the-ice-that-looks-like-a-hole-in-the-ground-1-1024x681.jpeg\" alt=\"a hole in the ice that looks like a hole in the ground\" width=\"860\" height=\"572\" \/><\/p>\n<p>At forty below zero, machines mostly don\u2019t matter. Metal turns stubborn, oil thickens, batteries surrender. Anything that runs usually does so because someone planned a day ahead, plugging in heaters and hoping the cold didn\u2019t win anyway.<\/p>\n<p>We walked.<\/p>\n<p>It was my second winter in Unalakleet. I had first come at sixteen to help a missionary family, expecting to stay a month. When a family emergency took them away, that month stretched into a winter largely on my own. I stayed through the summer, went home briefly that fall, then returned to the village on my seventeenth birthday. This time, I had chosen to come back. I believed I was supposed to be there, that there was still something I could offer. I hadn\u2019t expected to find myself alone again. As winter settled in, so did the old loneliness, along with the first quiet doubts about whether I had made the right choice.<\/p>\n<p>By then, I had convinced myself I understood what survival there required. I had endured enough cold, enough isolation, and enough quiet fear that I no longer startled easily. Nothing, I believed, could surprise me anymore.<\/p>\n<p>That morning, I stepped into the kitchen and stopped. Luther, an Alaska Native, was already there, sitting at the table as if he had always belonged in the room. I hadn\u2019t talked to anyone in days, and seeing him there brought a small rush of relief. A year earlier, I had found him in this same kitchen when I was struggling to keep the house warm. He had taken me out that day and shown me how to find firewood.<\/p>\n<p>He didn\u2019t knock. People didn\u2019t, not if they knew you. He nodded once.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou want to go fishing?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He didn\u2019t say ice fishing. In winter there was no other kind.<\/p>\n<p>We had fished together before, farther upriver for trout. This time, he led me the other way, toward the ocean. Where the Unalakleet River met the Bering Sea lay less than a mile from the house, a broad, exposed stretch of ice that belonged more to the ocean than the land. That was where people went for smelt and tomcod when the cold settled in.<\/p>\n<p>Outside, the air hit like something solid. Each breath caught halfway down, sharp and unfinished, as if my lungs had forgotten how to work in weather like this. Snow squeaked under our boots, a dry, brittle sound, more like Styrofoam than anything soft. We moved without speaking, the village shrinking behind us as the white opened wide ahead. I was glad to be doing something. I hadn\u2019t had fresh food in months, and I wanted badly to come back with fish.<\/p>\n<p>At the shoreline, the land flattened into a wind-scoured expanse of sea ice. The ice wasn\u2019t smooth or glassy. It had broken and shoved against itself, leaving rough ridges and heaps of jagged ice across the surface.<\/p>\n<p>Bundled in a snow suit, goggles, face mask, and gloves, I moved awkwardly, careful not to expose any skin. I could feel each breath through the mask. Moisture gathered on the outside and froze, and even behind the goggles, condensation collected at the corners of my eyes until ice formed on my eyelashes.<\/p>\n<p>We weren\u2019t alone. Figures stood scattered across the ice, each beside a small dark opening cut through to the water below. No one spoke. By then, the quiet felt normal to me. So much in the village seemed to pass without needing to be said, and in winter, that familiar quiet settled even deeper. At that temperature, conversation meant exposing skin, wasting heat, admitting weakness to the cold. Everyone moved quietly, efficiently, as if language itself might freeze if used too freely.<\/p>\n<p>This was a common spot. The ice was thick, at least three feet, but the holes never stayed open. Left alone, they sealed themselves shut again within minutes, the surface knitting back together as if the ocean were trying to erase the intrusion.<\/p>\n<p>He led me to one of the partially frozen openings. A cloudy skin had already formed over it.<\/p>\n<p>From his pack he pulled a small hatchet and struck the surface. Each blow rang sharp and metallic, echoing across the empty expanse. The brittle layer shattered, revealing black saltwater beneath. Slushy fragments floated upward, already trying to freeze again.<\/p>\n<p>He cleared the loose ice away with the head of the hatchet and the side of his boot, never exposing skin. At that temperature, even a few seconds barehanded could cost you.<\/p>\n<p>By the time the hole was open, a new film had begun forming.<\/p>\n<p>This would be constant. Break it open. Fish quickly. Repeat.<\/p>\n<p>From his bag he pulled two short sticks no longer than my forearm, each already wrapped with line, hook tied, ready to use. There was no tying of knots, no threading the line, no fine adjustments. Nothing that required bare fingers. Everything had been prepared beforehand because it had to be.<\/p>\n<p>He handed one to me without explanation.<\/p>\n<p>I lowered the line into the dark water.<\/p>\n<p>The first tug startled me. I jerked upward, and a small silver fish burst from the hole, twisting violently. It struck the ice with soft wet slaps, body bending frantically \u2014 then stopped. Completely. Frozen mid-motion, mouth open, eyes bright and fixed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSmelt,\u201d he said. Or maybe \u201ctomcod.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Soon more lay scattered around us, each one locked into its final pose within seconds of touching the air. Around us, other fishermen worked the same way, silent figures bent over their holes, pulling life from the ocean and watching it turn instantly still.<\/p>\n<p>We dropped the frozen fish into an old plastic grocery bag, the kind reused until it finally tore. Nothing out here was single-use. Everything had another purpose waiting.<\/p>\n<p>The hole kept trying to close. Every few minutes, we shattered the forming ice again, pushing slush aside with our boots and tools, reopening the dark water beneath. It felt less like fishing and more like holding a door open against something determined to shut it.<\/p>\n<p>My fingers ached even inside my gloves, a deep warning pain that pulsed with each movement. But the bag was growing heavier, and that was what mattered.<\/p>\n<p>Back at the house, he emptied the bag into the sink and turned on the water. The fish rattled against the metal basin, stiff bodies knocking together like pieces of wood.<\/p>\n<p>Then one of them moved.<\/p>\n<p>A faint twitch. Another flicked its tail. Within seconds, several were writhing slowly, mouths opening and closing as if waking from sleep.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey\u2019re alive,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n<p>He didn\u2019t look surprised. \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>No explanation. No emphasis. Just confirmation.<\/p>\n<p>I watched them struggle in the cloudy water, trying to reconcile what I was seeing with everything I thought I knew. Frozen meant dead. That was a rule. But here, the rules didn\u2019t hold.<\/p>\n<p>When it was time to cook them, he didn\u2019t clean them the way I expected. He rinsed them off; that was all. They were too small to bother gutting, not worth the time.<\/p>\n<p>The fish hit the pan whole. Skin blistered and tightened, turning opaque as heat replaced cold. As he flipped them, the skin split and curled back.<\/p>\n<p>That was when I saw the worms.<\/p>\n<p>Thin pale coils threaded through the flesh, revealed as the meat separated. Some were embedded deep, others loose, unmistakable once noticed.<\/p>\n<p>My stomach tightened. All that work, wasted. Our meal was ruined. Another day without fresh food.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIs that\u2026 worms?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n<p>He glanced at the pan, unconcerned. \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He kept cooking.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou don\u2019t throw them out?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He shook his head slightly. \u201cJust eat around them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Eat around them.<\/p>\n<p>No apology. No explanation. Just a practical solution to something that barely registered as a problem.<\/p>\n<p>By then, I thought I understood what life in the Alaska bush could ask of me. I believed I had seen enough to stop being shocked. But standing there watching those fish cook, I realized how much of my confidence had been built on surviving situations that still operated within familiar boundaries.<\/p>\n<p>This wasn\u2019t one of them.<\/p>\n<p>When we finally sat down to eat, hunger overruled hesitation. The meat was hot, soft, richer than anything that came from a box or a can. I found myself adjusting automatically, navigating around what I had seen without speaking about it. He ate without looking down, without caution, without hesitation.<\/p>\n<p>For him, this wasn\u2019t compromise. It was simply food.<\/p>\n<p>I thought about what it had taken to put that meal on the table: the brutal cold, the long walk, the constant fight to keep the hole open, the unsettling discoveries. Back home, I would have rejected it without thinking. Here, rejection wasn\u2019t part of the equation.<\/p>\n<p>Warmth spread slowly through my chest as I ate, pushing back the cold that had settled deep inside me. With it came a quieter realization: how many layers of comfort I had once assumed were permanent, how easily those layers had peeled away.<\/p>\n<p>Survival didn\u2019t arrive clean. It didn\u2019t care about preference or disgust or expectation. It offered what it offered and left the rest up to you.<\/p>\n<p>I still had more to learn. Not about fishing, not even about Alaska, but about how little control I really had over what would be asked of me next.<\/p>\n<p>When we finished, he stood, nodded once, and left as quietly as he had come.<\/p>\n<p>Outside, the cold waited, unchanged, patient, and absolute.<\/p>\n<p>I watched him walk away until the white swallowed him completely, thinking about the frozen fish that had come back to life in the sink, about the worms I had learned to ignore, about how quickly confidence could dissolve when confronted with something truly unfamiliar.<\/p>\n<p>I wasn\u2019t unbreakable. I wasn\u2019t finished becoming who that place required me to be.<\/p>\n<p>I was just a kid who had been cold and hungry and certain he had seen it all, and who had discovered, once again, that he hadn\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p>But that day, I had been fed. I had been shown a way through.<\/p>\n<div class=\"su-box su-box-style-default\" id=\"\" style=\"border-color:#127680;border-radius:3px;max-width:none\"><div class=\"su-box-title\" style=\"background-color:#45a9b3;color:#FFFFFF;border-top-left-radius:1px;border-top-right-radius:1px\">Meet the Contributor<\/div><div class=\"su-box-content su-u-clearfix su-u-trim\" style=\"border-bottom-left-radius:1px;border-bottom-right-radius:1px\">\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-68799\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/David-Shepard-David-Shepard-749x1024.jpg\" alt=\"david shepard\" width=\"293\" height=\"400\" \/>David Shepard is a writer living in the Pacific Northwest. At sixteen, he left California for a remote village on Alaska\u2019s Bering Sea coast, an experience that continues to shape much of his creative nonfiction. His essay \u201cEat Around the Worms\u201d marks his first publication. Shepard has also served in the United States Marine Corps and works in the electrical construction industry. He is currently revising a memoir and writing essays about Alaska, belonging, survival, and home.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<p>IMAGE CREDIT: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/marcusramberg\/3182789403\/\">Marcus Ramberg via Flickr Creative Commons<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>At forty below zero, machines mostly don\u2019t matter.<\/p>\n<p class=\"more-link-p\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/2026\/09\/eat-around-the-worms-by-david-shepard\/\">Read full story \u2192<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":68791,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_price":"","_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_header":"","_tribe_default_ticket_provider":"","_tribe_ticket_capacity":"","_ticket_start_date":"","_ticket_end_date":"","_tribe_ticket_show_description":"","_tribe_ticket_show_not_going":false,"_tribe_ticket_use_global_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_global_stock_level":"","_global_stock_mode":"","_global_stock_cap":"","_tribe_rsvp_for_event":"","_tribe_ticket_going_count":"","_tribe_ticket_not_going_count":"","_tribe_tickets_list":"[]","_tribe_ticket_has_attendee_info_fields":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"gopublish_seo_title":"","gopublish_seo_description":"\"At forty below zero, machines mostly don\u2019t matter.\" -- from Eat Around the Worms by David Shepard in the Sept\/Oct 2026 issue"},"categories":[90,6,14,2087],"tags":[2088],"class_list":["post-68792","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-creative-nonfiction","category-personal-essay","category-issues","category-september-october-2026","tag-david-shepard"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t<!-- All in One SEO 5.0.1.1 - aioseo.com -->\n\t<meta name=\"description\" content=\"&quot;At forty below zero, machines mostly don\u2019t matter.&quot; -- from the essay Eat Around the Worms by David Shepard in Hippocampus Magazine.\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"max-image-preview:large\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Donna Talarico\"\/>\n\t<meta name=\"google-site-verification\" content=\"4\/5gCNs5ygo1uO1g2HdPikAO9CUhCFEl1UCTl-QrXU1N2bFUH-ba5-p3Y\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"keywords\" content=\"david shepard,creative 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Embarrassed Than Dead by Philip T Starks"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-68800 size-large\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/person-using-a-stethoscope-to-examine-a-person-1024x576.jpeg\" alt=\"ultrasound technician equipment in use at work\" width=\"860\" height=\"484\" \/><\/p>\n<p>As a scientist who teaches evolutionary medicine, I spend much of my time thinking about why bodies fail. I did not expect mine to fail so suddenly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBetter embarrassed than dead,\u201d I said to the mirror. I was dripping more from sweat than the shower, my head was crippled with pain, and the ache in my chest was unable to mask my heart\u2019s palpitations. I dressed, descended the stairs, and said words my wife, Caroline, never expected to hear: \u201cI need you to take me to the emergency room.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This Saturday morning episode was not my first. The first struck Wednesday night and was followed by episodes Thursday night and Friday afternoon. I had rationalized the others away\u2014even leading two hikes on Thursday\u2014but on Saturday the pain left me unable to play with my children. That\u2019s when I knew I couldn\u2019t ignore it.<\/p>\n<p>We drove to Winchester Hospital with the (correct) belief that their emergency room would be fairly empty. I was dropped off and, afterward, Caroline attempted to run through our normal Saturday morning routine with the boys. Once in the ER, I was seen immediately. Blood and details were collected, my vitals were determined, and an EKG was taken.<\/p>\n<p>My episode, slightly muted, continued while the doctors reviewed the data. The data were seemingly unambiguous: my troponin levels were elevated. As troponin is released by deceased heart muscle or heart muscle in great distress, the diagnosis was simple.<\/p>\n<p>My doctor\u2019s words were clear: \u201cYou\u2019ve had a heart attack.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This was in my pedagogical wheelhouse. I know what elevated troponin means and I know what chest pain can signal. But that knowledge did not make the diagnosis easier to hear. I didn\u2019t like being accused of having a heart attack, and I found it unsettling that allowing a nitroglycerine pill to dissolve under my tongue helped end my episode.<\/p>\n<p>The nurses detected my distress, but their well-wishes as I was wheeled out on a stretcher did not change my mood. I found it embarrassing to be taken by ambulance to the cardiac intensive care unit at Lahey Hospital. A heart attack felt less like a diagnosis than a verdict. I felt indicted before I even felt afraid.<\/p>\n<p>The EMT in the back of the ambulance offered the kindest words: \u201cMan, you don\u2019t really pass the eyeball test. You don\u2019t look sick to me.\u201d That sentiment was not shared at Lahey. I was wheeled in, given a new IV, bled, hooked up to monitors, and prescribed drugs I never wanted. I felt that this was somehow a mistake, which may explain my first words to the cardiac specialist:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat is the plan for taking me off these drugs?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>His words were not comforting. \u201cLook, you had a heart attack and you have a family history of heart attacks. You\u2019ll be taking medication for a very long time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I suppose I should have been pleased with his answer\u2014it implied that I would live a long time\u2014but I\u2019ve never liked the idea of perpetual medication. And I didn\u2019t like that my father having died from his fourth major heart attack was used against me. Environmental influences played a major role in his heart attacks: he smoked, drank, and had the stress of his wife and six children.<\/p>\n<p>But I also knew my family was secretive. I couldn\u2019t trust that the family history I\u2019d been given was complete. If my mother hadn\u2019t told me about my father\u2019s drinking, I\u2019m not sure I would have thought of him as a drinker at all.<\/p>\n<h2>Illness Grammar<\/h2>\n<p>In my childhood home, illness had a grammar. My mother felt that staying home from school was suspect; fresh air could heal anything. And the most curative air was the air you received on your way to school. She demanded it. I remember stopping to vomit in a neighbor\u2019s yard and deciding it was safest to continue on to elementary school.<\/p>\n<p>My older siblings went to my father instead. He would tuck them in on the couch and declare them officially ill. With my father gone, illness brought nothing but distance\u2014and the suspicion that if you were sick, you had earned it. In our house, sickness was not something that happened to you. It was something you did. That was the grammar I carried with me into the hospital\u2014and here, it offered nothing but weight.<\/p>\n<p>I didn\u2019t like being separated from my boys. I asked if we could speed the process; I really wanted to be sent home Sunday. There would be no accelerated process for me. I needed to wait forty-eight hours as heparin, a blood thinner, dripped into my veins. My echocardiogram and coronary angiography were scheduled for Monday.<\/p>\n<p>I sent a note to my graduate students Saturday night to inform them that I would not be in on Monday. The note included the lines: \u201cI won\u2019t be in Monday, and I might be out Tuesday too. It all depends on what the doctors say. I dropped by to get something looked at and they want to run tests during the week. I feel fine, so don\u2019t worry.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>My confidence was shaken Sunday morning. My troponin levels had increased before leveling off, and even with the heparin, Lipitor, blood pressure medication, and heart medication, I had another episode. And it was major.<\/p>\n<p>The pain in my head and chest was excruciating, my palpitations made it feel as if my heart was bouncing off my rib cage, and my sweat soaked through my hospital gown, my sheets, and my pillow. I shivered helplessly as they replaced them all.<\/p>\n<p>This was the first time I truly considered the possibility that my three-year-old and eight-month-old sons would never know me. This realization led me to experience what my doctor called \u201ca storm\u201d: I sobbed uncontrollably. Anxiety medication, Tylenol, and nitroglycerin calmed my episode, but my storm held strongly just beneath the surface.<\/p>\n<p>The rest of Sunday was relatively calm. As she had on Saturday, Caroline was able to secure babysitters and visit me. We discussed the possibilities, who I should inform, and how I should share the information. Sunday was also the first time I felt it was possible that I\u2019d had had a heart attack. I felt guilty. Perhaps I ate or drank too much or gave too much respect to the stress of my job. Regardless, if I had had a heart attack, I was certain it was my fault.<\/p>\n<p>And it was my fault because it was my father\u2019s fault.<\/p>\n<h2>Family History<\/h2>\n<p>My father killed himself. Not literally, with a gun or noose, but with his lifestyle. That\u2019s how my family spoke of it\u2014how he brought on his fatal heart attack with his habits. He chose to drink. He chose to smoke. The cognitive leap to \u201che chose his heart attack\u201d was short. My mother wouldn\u2019t let us forget his choices.<\/p>\n<p>I learned that lesson beginning with his death, when I was 10, and the lesson stayed with me. It\u2019s barely hidden in the language of my family. Although never stated outright, the implication was clear: he widowed his wife and left his children fatherless. He victimized his family with his behavior.<\/p>\n<p>And now I feared that I was following in his footsteps. I was victimizing my wife and children. I was a failure.<\/p>\n<p>Ironically, as I was beginning to accept the guilt and shame of my failure, my doctors were beginning to question their diagnosis. My episodes didn\u2019t fit within a normal framework, and neither did my response to the medications. It was during the second of my thrice-daily bleedings that the phlebotomist collected extra vials to determine whether I had an infection. Infection or not, I met Monday with another soul-destroying episode. I thought I might die.<\/p>\n<p>I didn\u2019t mention this explicitly to Caroline, but I think she knew. We spent a fair amount of time on Monday discussing the possibilities. We decided on three: I had a minor heart attack, I had a major heart attack, or I had an infection. What we left unspoken was the lost hope for a fourth possibility\u2014that I was actually okay. That seemed impossible.<\/p>\n<p>If it was a minor heart attack we would tell no one\u2014not my family, my friends, or my coworkers. When people perceive you as broken they treat you differently, and there is no one I know\u2014other than Caroline\u2014who has earned that right.<\/p>\n<p>If it was a major heart attack, we would have to tell everyone, but I\u2019d frame it within other truths. I have been hard on my body. I blew out my shoulder close-grip benching three hundred pounds but still made the lift, and I tore my quadriceps in a softball game but refused to stop playing. It was only fitting that I had a heart attack the night before I collected honeybees and led two forced marches through the woods. Somehow documenting how I destroyed my own body through effort was less emasculating than admitting my body might be killing me over bad choices.<\/p>\n<p>We both decided, at the time, that the worst possibility was an infection. We can correct plumbing malfunctions, but when a pathogen is involved, we need pharmaceuticals. And they are unreliable; you cannot count on them unless you have a very common\u2014and lucrative\u2014disease.<\/p>\n<p>But we did agree that an infection would, at the very least, give me a \u201cfun\u201d story to tell.<\/p>\n<h2>Competing Diagnoses<\/h2>\n<p>All stories or explanations would have to be put on hold, however, because it was time for an echocardiogram. The technician who performed the procedure was at her mannequin best: she was only slightly more disinterested in giving me an opinion than she was in performing the test. But it might have been the best test that I have ever had. With a clinically uncaring manner, she left me disheveled. Caroline moved quickly to correct the technician\u2019s carelessness and, in doing so, noticed what had been missed by so many health-care professionals who had complete access to my body: a Lyme disease bullseye rash.<\/p>\n<p>We quickly informed my nurse, and before she had a chance to return with antibiotics, Caroline\u2014with the help of the CDC website\u2014had already diagnosed my illness: Lyme carditis. As it turned out, she and I preferred the infection to structural damage. My cardiac team, however, disagreed.<\/p>\n<p>I was wheeled down to the cardiac catheterization lab for a coronary angiography. While my arm and my groin were being shaved, I tried to convince the doctor that I no longer needed the procedure. And although the nurses found my rash sufficiently interesting to take multiple photographs, the doctor was less impressed. \u201cMr. ******, you have Lyme disease <i>and<\/i> you\u2019ve had a heart attack.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I sighed. When you are a hammer, the world looks like nails: a cardiac specialist will always see heart disease. I allowed myself to be taken in for the procedure. While you may believe that you are a collaborator in your health care, when you\u2019re in the hospital, collaboration is compliance. I feared the violation of having a tube run into my body with the goal of releasing dye into my heart.<\/p>\n<p>The process itself was interesting. It started with the sting of lidocaine, followed by the slicing of skin and the insertion of a funnel into a vein. Drugs that burned were then released to relax the veins. A tube was inserted and forced toward the center of my being. Once it found my core, dye was injected and its flow around my heart was monitored. Once complete, the doctor spoke. \u201cWell, you didn\u2019t have a heart attack.\u201d I asked him to go to the waiting room to tell Caroline.<\/p>\n<p>I never want to be in that waiting room. Family and loved ones wait there hoping for the least bad news possible. The heaviness of the moment\u2014and of the room\u2014struck Caroline as the doctor told her the news. She burst into tears. The honesty of that moment must have been humbling. She could drop the fa\u00e7ade: no mother with two young children is prepared for a forty-six-year-old husband with a damaged heart.<\/p>\n<p>I was brought back to my room and given IV antibiotics. An infectious disease specialist was added to my team, but the cardiac specialists had not given up hope of finding a heart attack. Perhaps my attack wasn\u2019t on the surface of my heart but was rather deep within.<\/p>\n<p>At eleven that night, I was placed on a tray and slid into a tube narrow enough that both my shoulders pressed against the edge. The cardiac MRI took over an hour to complete.<\/p>\n<p>Once back in my room, I slept, but uncomfortably. Monday night was the first in six that I did not have a full episode. My chest pain, heart palpitations, and headaches were gone, but my drenching sweats remained. My clothing and linens were changed at three in the morning.<\/p>\n<p>Tuesday was mixed. I was given the fantastic news that all tests indicated that I did not have a heart attack, and that the troponin had been released because my heart was inflamed. I was also told about the impact Lyme disease can have on an individual and the difficulties sometimes encountered fighting it. And my body was fighting it. After the euphoria of my heart news passed, I felt the full onslaught of the pathogen.<\/p>\n<p>Only about ten percent of Lyme disease impacts the heart, and only a fraction of those cases infect both the electrical and muscular systems. That\u2019s what happened to me. In my experience, the pathogen tries to kill you two ways: it accelerates the heart or it stops it. Of the two, I found stopping it more interesting\u2014but only because I simply skipped beats. Any worse and I might have needed a pacemaker.<\/p>\n<h2>An End to Blame<\/h2>\n<p>During my out-processing, my cardiologist\u2014the chief of cardiology\u2014shared something that changed my life. When Caroline asked, \u201cHow do you know who\u2019s going to have a heart attack?\u201d he replied, \u201cEven with everything we know about risk factors, I can\u2019t predict who\u2019ll have a heart attack. I only know that if someone does, I can fix them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The relief I was feeling shifted into something heavier. If the chief of cardiology\u2014a man who had spent his entire career studying hearts\u2014couldn\u2019t predict who would fail, then my father never had a chance. The blame, accusation, mythology about his choices\u2014it was just a story we told ourselves so randomness didn\u2019t feel so unbearable.<\/p>\n<p>He didn\u2019t choose to leave us. He was just unlucky. He was a man who hit a wall he was never going to clear\u2014shaped by a lifetime of hard work, hard drinking, and hard stress, in a body that was never given a fair chance. The damage of his choices and his circumstances compounded in ways that no doctor in that era could have predicted or corrected. He didn\u2019t commit a crime. He ran out of luck. And for years, I had held him accountable\u2014and had braced myself for the same verdict.<\/p>\n<p>The exoneration felt strange. Grief is simpler when someone is guilty. Blame helps order the chaos of grief.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: -webkit-center;\">***<\/p>\n<p><i>Epilogue<\/i><\/p>\n<p>My illness occurred twelve years ago. I received four days of IV antibiotics and was prescribed four weeks of oral antibiotics. I recovered quickly and have not had any Lyme disease symptoms since.<\/p>\n<p>I got the tick bite while expanding my backyard\u2014building a fence to protect my children from the very thing that nearly killed me. The irony wasn\u2019t lost on me then, and it still stings now: you cannot fence out randomness. You can only teach your children that when it finds them, it isn\u2019t their fault. My children know this.<\/p>\n<p>You cannot blame the sick for being ill, and illness does not make someone broken. The grammar of blame is inherited. I am trying, with whatever words I have, to break the chain.<\/p>\n<div class=\"su-box su-box-style-default\" id=\"\" style=\"border-color:#127680;border-radius:3px;max-width:none\"><div class=\"su-box-title\" style=\"background-color:#45a9b3;color:#FFFFFF;border-top-left-radius:1px;border-top-right-radius:1px\">Meet the Contributor<\/div><div class=\"su-box-content su-u-clearfix su-u-trim\" style=\"border-bottom-left-radius:1px;border-bottom-right-radius:1px\">\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-68797\" src=\"http:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/pstark02-Philip-Starks.jpg\" alt=\"Philip T Starks writer\" width=\"320\" height=\"400\" \/>Philip T Starks is a behavioral ecologist and associate professor of biology at Tufts University, where he studies social insects. His essays have appeared in Scientific American, JAMA, Psyche and elsewhere; he has also published more than 75 peer-reviewed papers on social animals. A U.S. Army veteran of the Persian Gulf War, he lives in Massachusetts with his wife, Caroline, and their sons.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>As a scientist who teaches evolutionary medicine, I spend much of my time thinking about why bodies fail<\/p>\n<p class=\"more-link-p\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hippocampusmagazine.com\/2026\/09\/better-embarrassed-than-dead-by-philip-t-starks\/\">Read full story 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