An Index for Motherhood by Tiffany Doerr Guerzon

According to the late English professor and author David Foster Wallace, “An index isn’t just a map; it’s also a kind of argument about the relative importance and interconnectedness of ideas.”

A

ache

in my breasts as my milk lets down
of watching your child walking/driving/flying away

adoption

of a third child, barely begun before it was over

allergy

peanuts, life-threatening, second child

anxiety

in all of us, see also: allergy

autism

in first child, undiagnosed for 23 years

B

breastfeeding

biracial children, see also: race

box

absence of biracial box on birth certificate

C

calamities

imagined
real

career

given up to stay at home with kids
my identity

colic, see also: daycare

near constant screaming, driving us to the edge of insanity

D

daycare, see also: colic, career

first child rejected from daycare due to colic
same child later removed from daycare due to repeated bouts of pneumonia
no longer needed, see also: career

done, see also: vasectomy

am I done
are you done
having kids
we are done

E

extremes

boredom
crushing doubt
fatigue
joy
sadness

F

fear

that I’ve messed it up, this mothering thing
that something terrible will happen to my children
that I will never find myself again

feelings

found

my identity, after many years

fragile

adolescents’ feelings

mom’s feelings

G

good

good eater
good sleeper
good baby, see also: colic
if a baby isn’t good, are they bad?

H

high need baby, see also: colic, daycare, autism

high risk pregnancy, see also: placenta, adoption, small for gestational age

I

images

scrapbooks
marking holidays, school years, the passing of time
self-image
distorted by being some of the few Asian kids in school

identity

mine, loss of, see also: career, daycare, colic
search for, in kids see also: biracial, racism

innocence

impossible in the harsh world of social media
loss of, see also: racism, self-image

instructions

ones I wish I’d had:
how to raise biracial children
recognizing and understanding autism
recognizing and dealing with anxiety, in myself and the kids

J

job

hardest I ever had
that I gave up

K

Kegels, see also: wet, pants

Kindergarten

the beginning of the end

L

love

complete
intense
overwhelming

M

mammal

maternal

motherhood

N

nature

vs. nurture

nurture

vs. nature

O

open

to a new career
to possibility
to relinquishing control
to who my children are

P

pain

physical, of childbirth
emotional, of seeing your children struggle

past

mine
informing my parenting

parenting

patience

lack of

placenta, see also: high risk pregnancy, adoption, small for gestational age

incorrect formation of
possible cause of small babies

pregnancy, third, unexpected, see also: adoption

Q

Queer

archaic: a hateful slur
contemporary: what my daughter proudly calls herself

R

race, see also: birth certificate, box

Filipino
White

racism

recognition

of me, white lady who isn’t the nanny

S

scent

of a newborn

sleep

lack of

small for gestational age, see also: placenta

T

Tears

of frustration
of grief
of joy
of sadness

time

12 months to restart adoption process after having a baby, see also: Y chromosome
days are long
years are short, see also: Kindergarten

tired

with three kids as an older mom
too tired to add a fourth child, see also: adoption

U

undoing

of old thinking
of old ideas
of self

V

vasectomy, see also: done

W

wet

diapers
drool
leaking breasts
spit up
sweat
pants, see also: Kegel’s

worry

never ending

worth it

writing

how I found myself again

X

X rays

broken arms, 2
broken foot, 1

X chromosome

XX (2)
XY (1)

Y

Y chromosome

getting pregnant with a boy after starting adoption process, see also: high risk pregnancy

yoked, see also: zygote

combining or connecting
bond between mother and child

Z

zygote

Definition: the earliest stage of human development
Origin: from the Greek zugotos “yoked”
we are forever yoked together

Image Credit: Flickr Creative Commons/paras gupta