An Index for Motherhood by Tiffany Doerr Guerzon

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abstract and shadowy image of a mother and child with an orange-red background

According to the late English professor and author David Foster Wallace, “An index isn’t just a map; it’s also a kind of argument about the relative importance and interconnectedness of ideas.”

A

ache

in my breasts as my milk lets down
of watching your child walking/driving/flying away

adoption

of a third child, barely begun before it was over

allergy

peanuts, life-threatening, second child

anxiety

in all of us, see also: allergy

autism

in first child, undiagnosed for 23 years

B

breastfeeding

biracial children, see also: race

box

absence of biracial box on birth certificate

C

calamities

imagined
real

career

given up to stay at home with kids
my identity

colic, see also: daycare

near constant screaming, driving us to the edge of insanity

D

daycare, see also: colic, career

first child rejected from daycare due to colic
same child later removed from daycare due to repeated bouts of pneumonia
no longer needed, see also: career

done, see also: vasectomy

am I done
are you done
having kids
we are done

E

extremes

boredom
crushing doubt
fatigue
joy
sadness

F

fear

that I’ve messed it up, this mothering thing
that something terrible will happen to my children
that I will never find myself again

feelings

found

my identity, after many years

fragile

adolescents’ feelings

mom’s feelings

G

good

good eater
good sleeper
good baby, see also: colic
if a baby isn’t good, are they bad?

H

high need baby, see also: colic, daycare, autism

high risk pregnancy, see also: placenta, adoption, small for gestational age

I

images

scrapbooks
marking holidays, school years, the passing of time
self-image
distorted by being some of the few Asian kids in school

identity

mine, loss of, see also: career, daycare, colic
search for, in kids see also: biracial, racism

innocence

impossible in the harsh world of social media
loss of, see also: racism, self-image

instructions

ones I wish I’d had:
how to raise biracial children
recognizing and understanding autism
recognizing and dealing with anxiety, in myself and the kids

J

job

hardest I ever had
that I gave up

K

Kegels, see also: wet, pants

Kindergarten

the beginning of the end

L

love

complete
intense
overwhelming

M

mammal

maternal

motherhood

N

nature

vs. nurture

nurture

vs. nature

O

open

to a new career
to possibility
to relinquishing control
to who my children are

P

pain

physical, of childbirth
emotional, of seeing your children struggle

past

mine
informing my parenting

parenting

patience

lack of

placenta, see also: high risk pregnancy, adoption, small for gestational age

incorrect formation of
possible cause of small babies

pregnancy, third, unexpected, see also: adoption

Q

Queer

archaic: a hateful slur
contemporary: what my daughter proudly calls herself

R

race, see also: birth certificate, box

Filipino
White

racism

recognition

of me, white lady who isn’t the nanny

S

scent

of a newborn

sleep

lack of

small for gestational age, see also: placenta

T

Tears

of frustration
of grief
of joy
of sadness

time

12 months to restart adoption process after having a baby, see also: Y chromosome
days are long
years are short, see also: Kindergarten

tired

with three kids as an older mom
too tired to add a fourth child, see also: adoption

U

undoing

of old thinking
of old ideas
of self

V

vasectomy, see also: done

W

wet

diapers
drool
leaking breasts
spit up
sweat
pants, see also: Kegel’s

worry

never ending

worth it

writing

how I found myself again

X

X rays

broken arms, 2
broken foot, 1

X chromosome

XX (2)
XY (1)

Y

Y chromosome

getting pregnant with a boy after starting adoption process, see also: high risk pregnancy

yoked, see also: zygote

combining or connecting
bond between mother and child

Z

zygote

Definition: the earliest stage of human development
Origin: from the Greek zugotos “yoked”
we are forever yoked together

Meet the Contributor

Tiffany Doerr GuerzonTiffany Doerr Guerzon is an award-winning freelance writer who enjoys writing in unusual forms. Her work has been featured in the Christian Science Monitor, This Land Press, Sky Island Journal, CNN.com, Parents.com and many more publications. When not writing or reading, she can be found making messy art or hiking the woods with her husband.

Image Credit: Flickr Creative Commons/paras gupta

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