According to the late English professor and author David Foster Wallace, “An index isn’t just a map; it’s also a kind of argument about the relative importance and interconnectedness of ideas.”
A
ache
in my breasts as my milk lets down
of watching your child walking/driving/flying away
adoption
of a third child, barely begun before it was over
allergy
peanuts, life-threatening, second child
anxiety
in all of us, see also: allergy
autism
in first child, undiagnosed for 23 years
B
breastfeeding
biracial children, see also: race
box
absence of biracial box on birth certificate
C
calamities
imagined
real
career
given up to stay at home with kids
my identity
colic, see also: daycare
near constant screaming, driving us to the edge of insanity
D
daycare, see also: colic, career
first child rejected from daycare due to colic
same child later removed from daycare due to repeated bouts of pneumonia
no longer needed, see also: career
done, see also: vasectomy
am I done
are you done
having kids
we are done
E
extremes
boredom
crushing doubt
fatigue
joy
sadness
F
fear
that I’ve messed it up, this mothering thing
that something terrible will happen to my children
that I will never find myself again
feelings
found
my identity, after many years
fragile
adolescents’ feelings
mom’s feelings
G
good
good eater
good sleeper
good baby, see also: colic
if a baby isn’t good, are they bad?
H
high need baby, see also: colic, daycare, autism
high risk pregnancy, see also: placenta, adoption, small for gestational age
I
images
scrapbooks
marking holidays, school years, the passing of time
self-image
distorted by being some of the few Asian kids in school
identity
mine, loss of, see also: career, daycare, colic
search for, in kids see also: biracial, racism
innocence
impossible in the harsh world of social media
loss of, see also: racism, self-image
instructions
ones I wish I’d had:
how to raise biracial children
recognizing and understanding autism
recognizing and dealing with anxiety, in myself and the kids
J
job
hardest I ever had
that I gave up
K
Kegels, see also: wet, pants
Kindergarten
the beginning of the end
L
love
complete
intense
overwhelming
M
mammal
maternal
motherhood
N
nature
vs. nurture
nurture
vs. nature
O
open
to a new career
to possibility
to relinquishing control
to who my children are
P
pain
physical, of childbirth
emotional, of seeing your children struggle
past
mine
informing my parenting
parenting
patience
lack of
placenta, see also: high risk pregnancy, adoption, small for gestational age
incorrect formation of
possible cause of small babies
pregnancy, third, unexpected, see also: adoption
Q
Queer
archaic: a hateful slur
contemporary: what my daughter proudly calls herself
R
race, see also: birth certificate, box
Filipino
White
racism
recognition
of me, white lady who isn’t the nanny
S
scent
of a newborn
sleep
lack of
small for gestational age, see also: placenta
T
Tears
of frustration
of grief
of joy
of sadness
time
12 months to restart adoption process after having a baby, see also: Y chromosome
days are long
years are short, see also: Kindergarten
tired
with three kids as an older mom
too tired to add a fourth child, see also: adoption
U
undoing
of old thinking
of old ideas
of self
V
vasectomy, see also: done
W
wet
diapers
drool
leaking breasts
spit up
sweat
pants, see also: Kegel’s
worry
never ending
worth it
writing
how I found myself again
X
X rays
broken arms, 2
broken foot, 1
X chromosome
XX (2)
XY (1)
Y
Y chromosome
getting pregnant with a boy after starting adoption process, see also: high risk pregnancy
yoked, see also: zygote
combining or connecting
bond between mother and child
Z
zygote
Definition: the earliest stage of human development
Origin: from the Greek zugotos “yoked”
we are forever yoked together
Tiffany Doerr Guerzon is an award-winning freelance writer who enjoys writing in unusual forms. Her work has been featured in the Christian Science Monitor, This Land Press, Sky Island Journal, CNN.com, Parents.com and many more publications. When not writing or reading, she can be found making messy art or hiking the woods with her husband.
Image Credit: Flickr Creative Commons/paras gupta
This is really beautiful and moving!
Thank you for reading!
Am so blown away by this work- wonderful!
Thank you!
This is beautiful and thoughtful. Such a great use of the index form and its propensity to surprise. Thank you!
Thank you!