I Hate Your Favorite Band by Fred Osuna

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Photo courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons user alvarezperea

He (after learning of my former occupation as a record store owner): So, what is your favorite
band of all time?

Me: You mean I have to pick just one?

He: Yes.

Me (trying to get some wiggle room): Can it be a single person or does it have to be a band?

He: Either one.

Me (not using the wiggle room): Well, if it’s just one, then I’d have to go with the Beatles.

He: I hate The Beatles! The Beatles suck! Why the hell does everyone always say, “The Beatles?” What’s so great about the Beatles, anyway? (God, I can’t stand the Beatles.)

Me: I guess they wouldn’t be your pick, huh?

He: Auggh! Give me the Stones any day.

Me (acknowledging the inane age-old debate arguing the relative merits of the Beatles vs. the Rolling Stones): Well, it’s possible to like both the Beatles and the Stones, you know.

He: Yeah? Name one album by the Stones that you like.

Me: OK. How about Let It Bleed?

He: Mm, I suppose that’s OK. It’s not as good as that album they recorded at that drug party in Barbados, though.

Me: I bet you’re thinking of Exile on Main Street. Those were some crazy sessions, but they were recorded in France. That’s a great album, too.

He: I hate Exile. No, I’m pretty sure the album I’m talking about was made in Barbados.

Me (grasping at straws): Voodoo Lounge?

He: Yeah, that’s it.

Me (after a dumbfounded pregnant pause): So. Who’s your one favorite artist?

He (no hesitation): Primus! Dude, they RAWK!!

>Me (not wanting to reveal my Primus deficiency and be immediately eviscerated by cliché, simultaneously thanking providence for a recent brief discussion of Primus with a friend during which I gathered a small handful of talking points): That dude plays a mean bass.

He: Damn straight.

[Stillness, leading to an awkward silence]

He (half-interested): So, who would be your second favorite band of all time?

Me (cringing a little inside): And it can be a solo artist, right?

He: Yup.

Me: Bob Dylan.

He: Oh, man. He can’t sing worth shit.

Music has been a part of Fred Osuna’s life ever since – and probably before – he was given his first 45 RPM vinyl single: Scott McKenzie’s “San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Flowers in Your Hair).” Today, his co-workers in Birmingham, Ala., consider him a champion whistler, and they will attest that he can humstle (hum and whistle, simultaneously) the theme from “My Three Sons” better than anyone else they know. He spent 20 years in the music retail industry being asked by the curious the identity of his favorite band. His favorite band is, indeed, the Beatles. Find him online at www.leleftovers.wordpress.com, or on Twitter at @spitballarmy.

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